NEWS 25!

The sequel – this time, it’s serious!

Drew Colgate is The Currer Ball Mr Television

Episode 42: Lord Tebbit supports gay marriage after being told to

No time for witty intros tonight, because we’re going live to Tory HQ stat, where a Twitter-assembled angry-mob threatens the integrity of the building. But this ain’t no happy-slapping youf riot or public sector anti-cuts protest; no, it’s the wrath of grass-roots Conservatives, demonstrating against David Cameron’s latest strategy to detoxify the Tory brand: the modernisation of Norman Tebbit.

Cables obtained and immediately broadcast to the world by News 25 revealed Downing Street’s Stalinist 5-Year Plan to Gok Wan Lord Tebbit of Chingford.

Pippa Hobhouse, 69, with her ‘DAVID CAMERON DIE’ placard in one hand, and a bottle of sloe gin in the other, captured the collective bewilderment of the brawl: ‘Number 10’s taking the piss, so it is. I’ve even heard that annus horribilis 3 of this immoral 5-Year Plan involves burning Norman’s trademark double-breasted pin-striped suits, replacing them with H&M V-necked pullovers, and forcing him to support gay marriage. It’s nothing short of the prostitution of a national treasure. We demand a public inquiry.’

Pippa proceeded to swig her sloe, before assaulting our camera man.

Meanwhile, Tim Montgomerie, Editor of ConservativeHome, spoke for every true Tory in the land, as he tends to do. ‘It’s modernisation gone mad’, cogitated Monty. ‘To botox Lord Tebbit’s jowly cheeks against the octogenarian’s will, that’s the cosmetic equivalent of waterboarding. Worse still, I hear that Cameron wants Norm to confess to homosexual experimentation during his wild teenage days. Visit our site and sign our petition to take this daft idea to the European Court of Human Rights. Alternatively, visit our site and sign our other petition to ban the European Court of Human Rights.’

And the stubbly sage wasn’t finished there: ‘This morning I tabled an FIO request and to my disgust it confirmed that a squadron of SpAds are planning to strap down Norman, superglue a pair of tortoiseshell designer frames to his improbably huge ears and nose, wrap skinny jeans ‘round his gaunt, arthritic legs, and tattoo ‘Choose Life’ on his chest. It’s the NHS reform debacle all over again.’

Episode 41: Movie-buff MP exposed

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25, the show that won’t stop ‘til it gets enough ever-breaking news – unlike Kay Burley at SKY, who stops every fortnight for a facelift.

Tonight, just 3 weeks after badass MP Eric Joyce nutted 4 Commons colleagues, thus representing his Falkirk constituents perfectly, yet another scandal rocks Westminster: the shameful saga of Jo Johnson MP skiving last Friday’s constituency surgery to listen to the cinematic musings of BBC Radio 5Live’s Simon Mayo and sidekick Mark Kermode.

While enjoying the popular duo’s Film Review podcast, the MP left his demos high-and-dry, including Maisie Fenton, 78, who was keen to talk to Jo about her hip replacement operation and planning permission for her prospective hanging baskets.

Maisie, speaking from her trademark sedentary position, explained to News 25 the scale of the betrayal: ‘So soon after my husband’s passing, it’s knocked the stuffing out of me. Jo and I’d arranged to discuss hospital ward provision for my looming op. He’d promised to take charge of everything. To be lied to by your local representative, it’s so disappointing, especially given that the film reviewed that week, Bel Ami, was so shit’, said the septuagenarian.

John Redwood, Tory MP for Wokingham, shared Maisey’s dismay: ‘That a Conservative comrade resorts to the demotic drivel of 5Live, it’s a source of shame for the party. David Cameron, where’s your consultation now?’

Tonight, nobody at Downing Street was available for comment. However, the PM was said to be ‘raging’ at Maisey’s lukewarm response to the aforementioned Brit flick, which Cameron said equated to talking the UK and its lucrative film industry down. Tomorrow, Communities Secretary Eric Pickles will tweak planning regulation so to torpedo Mrs Fenton’s hanging baskets.

Episode 40: GPs’ idle threat (idle being the operative word)

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25, the show that gobbles up exposés, exclusives, and scoops, before chucking them up all over your HD TV screens.

Tonight, yet more breaking news bulimia: GPs’ plans to stand against Tory and Lib Dem candidates at the next election are, just 24 hours after the idea was first floated, to be shelved.

One doc, speaking to News 25 during his mid-morning recess, while his adjacent waiting room flooded with sick patients, admitted that the medical profession’s latest offensive wasn’t thought through: ‘I’ve heard that MPs are obliged to attend public meetings and village fêtes, and write speeches, and vote after 7 o’clock, so it’s a non-starter. After all, I’m not even willing to open my practice on Saturday mornings.

‘And as for the £68,000 salary – that’s barbaric. What’s more, I understand that MPs couldn’t get away with voting for a 30% pay rise, like we GPs did in 2006.’

Meantime, Labour MP Stuart Bell sought to allay the concerns of doctors. Speaking while boarding a Eurostar train, Sir Stuart mused, ‘The workload really isn’t that bad. That said, next week’s looking busy: it’s my decennial constituency surgery. Life’s a bitch.’

Episode 39: Hiltonless PM proves he’s got what it takes to govern solo

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25 – the show Lord Leveson wants shut down just because last week’s exposé about the queue of £3000-a-go pros outside his public-funded hotel room being more congested than a Glaswegian’s arteries wasn’t entirely true. To read the network’s official statement of apology and retraction, please visit page 12, column 3 of our labyrinthine website.

Tonight, the story that’s rocked Downing Street: no, not the improbable discovery by statisticians at Oxford University that the thousand-plus amendments to the health bill now outnumber Eric Pickles’ chins, but news that Steve Hilton, the J S Mill de nos jours responsible for epoch-making ideas like The Big Society, The Big Society relaunches I, II, III, and IV, and the Tory Party’s revamped low-carbon logo, will next week relocate stateside ‘to spend more time with the wife’ and ‘to think’ – aren’t those 2 opposing concepts?

‘Steve’s such a groovy guy’, eulogised David Willetts, who’s now (with the possible exception of Tim Montgomerie) the last Conservative intellect standing. ‘I’ve got Mr Hilton to thank for both the reinvention of the party, and myself’, 2-brains explained, sporting basketball shorts atop tantalisingly-exposed Calvin Klein briefs. ‘He taught me that to represent the demotic, under-educated, over-confident narcissists of our country, we really ought to look more like them too. Wearing clothes like this, I begin to understand the psychology of last summer’s rioters.’

Meanwhile, Hilton’s departure cranks the pressure on David Cameron to prove he’s got what it takes to govern alone, without Hilton’s trademark smooth bald head to therapeutically caress under the Cabinet Table whenever the going gets tough. That’s why the PM will tomorrow announce the start of a consultation on what the hell he should do now.

So said a Downing Street SpAd: ‘Dave’s concerned about his image as a lightweight U-turn merchant. But by canvassing opinion on whether he’s got any backbone or not, he’ll prove the naysayers wrong.’

Time for a break, but when we return, we’ll be speaking to Len McCluskey, General Secretary of Unite, who’s urging public service workers to picket Olympic Stadium turnstiles, cameramen to cut transmission at the start of the 100 metres, and bus drivers to accelerate into puddles to drench map-reading tourists during the Olympic fortnight. To see that interview live, keep it on N25.

Episode 38: Jonathan Spelman’s superinjunctioned shower

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25, the show that breaks exclusives so hot, I’m sweating like Andy Lansley dancing the tango with a septuagenarian. More on that sex scandal later.

Tonight, I can exclusively (how else?) reveal the reason why Jonathan Spelman, the naughty son of Environment Secretary Caroline, superinjunctioned the nation’s media.

Just days after mummy had urged Britain to take showers of 4 minutes to prevent yet another hose pipe ban, Johnny hedonistically helped himself to a 6 and-a-half minute power shower post-5-a-side football last Tuesday.

For immediate reaction, we’ve got Shami Chakrabarti of Liberty on the line. Shami, your thoughts?

‘Another day, another scandal to rock the foundations of our centuries-old democracy. Spelman lectures about responsible living for the common good, while her own son washes and shampoos like this? It’s Charlie Gilmour riding the Cenotaph all over again. Haven’t these people heard of the Magna Carta?

‘The 6 and-a-half minutes were egregious enough, but if the rumours are true and it’s a power shower in play, then that’s the equivalent of 8 minutes under a regular, working-class shower. So Johnny’s effectively twice over the limit. Habeas corpus, anyone? And that’s why I’ll be taking the case to the European Court of Human Righteousness.’

Episode 37: George Osborne lifts the unemployed out of income tax

Welcome to News 25 in 4D – our pioneering new medium that means you don’t just watch our ever-breaking news, you experience it with the intensity of Greg Wallace savouring the ‘tanginess of the lemon against the smoothness of the curd’. And you can hear more from that exclusive interview on our website.

Tonight, I’m live from Whitehall, where moments ago, during the commercial break, George Osborne launched the Coalition’s long-awaited strategy for growth.

After 2 years of prioritising deficit reduction, the Chancellor announced the Government’s masterplan to kick-start UK plc. ‘As of midnight tonight’, said Osborne, speaking through tears of pride for the great job he’s doing, ‘I’ll be lifting all unemployed people out of income tax.’

‘I know what you’re thinking: we’re all meant to be in this together, and here I am letting so many millions of people off scot free. I understand that objection – I feel your pain. However, I also think it’s right that those earning zero income shouldn’t be taxed on that income. It’s a hugely symbolic policy.’

Andy Lansley, predicted to join Britain’s 3 million jobless imminently, naturally expressed relief at Osborne’s generous gesture. ‘’Til now, George had done so little to alleviate the burden on the most vulnerable that I’d suggested outsourcing our growth agenda to private companies. But today’s development changes everything, even though I can’t really explain why.’

Later today, Osborne will be defending the announcement through the medium of Danny Alexander.

Episode 36: Olympic drug testers fail their own drug tests

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Tonight, News 25 exposes the scandal BoJo and Lord Coe wanted swept under the carpet (along with baseless allegations of an aborted lovechild and a homosexual affair): the exclusive that threatens to overshadow London 2012 before the first starter gun fires.

Agent Provocateur, our anonymous undercover reporter, last night obtained classified PDF and JPEG files that reveal evidence of endemic drug abuse among Olympic drug testers. While supposedly monitoring track-and-field competitors for banned substances, the testers themselves have been higher than Ainsley Harriott anchoring Ready Steady Cook atop Kilimanjaro, and so hadn’t a ‘fucking clue’ what they were doing. How else, with just 4 months ‘til the Olympics, do you explain testers’ failure to detect thousands of junked-up athletes?

One Olympic tester, speaking off the record and out his tree, opened up to Agent Provocateur: ‘What we’re smoking isn’t exactly performance enhancing. I’d expected to have caught half the Olympic field by now. That’s the problem with skunk: it’s just so distracting. Why should I waste time catching drug cheats when I can munch on a block of cheddar while watching nature documentaries?’

One athlete, who dreams of bagging Olympic gold and not getting caught for hourly steroid injections, spoke anonymously to AP. ‘I was tested about a month ago’, said the bent triple jumper. ‘My urine sample was fluorescent green, so I’d assumed the game was up. But then the tester started giggling, lit me a refeer, and told me not to worry.’

Last night, Lord Coe was similarly relaxed about our allegations: ‘While they’re out on bail, the Met’s finest are on the case, so I’m confident nothing will come of this.’

Episode 35: Iraq Inquiry to start all over again following Sir John Chilcot’s death

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Tonight, News 25 talks to David Cameron, who insists he didn’t order Andrew Lansley to be ‘taken out and shot’, only that the Health Secretary be ‘strangled with a stethoscope – provided that a GP was available to commission the procedure’. Meanwhile, Rt Hon Lansley’s hit back at critics who’ve labelled the Secretary of State a ‘bad communicator’. ‘I’m actually a very good communicator’, said Andy. ‘I’m just unable to explain why.’

But while everyone welcomes the death of the Coalition’s NHS reforms, I’ve got tragic news about another passing that’s not so welcome. Stagehand, please dim the lights and fade in Claire de Lune. I regret to inform you all that Sir John Chilcot, of Chilcot Inquiry fame, this morning died at his Hampshire estate, surrounded by loved ones, acres of land, fellow inquiry panel members, and minutes of MoD war summits.

‘It’s not how he would’ve wanted to go’, said Sir John’s wife, who’ll inherit an £8 million fortune, £7 million of which was generated by her late husband’s Iraq Inquiry daily rate.

‘I blame this awful inquiry! Sitting through boring evidence session after boring evidence session, uncovering nothing new or remotely interesting, sedentary in that octogenarian semi-circle, like the dullest game of late night TV poker you’ve ever seen – after 3 years of that, he’d had enough of life.’

In a statement, Tony Blair paid tribute to Sir John’s ‘politeness’, ‘mild manner’, and ‘open mind’, which would’ve made for a ‘fascinating conclusion to the inquiry if it had finished during his lifetime’.

News 25 understands that the remaining members of the inquiry panel are so distressed by Sir John’s passing, they’ve resigned their positions. A new Iraq Inquiry, the sixteenth in all, will now start all over again. It’s rumoured that Lord Argyle of Kent will chair the new panel, which is scheduled to wrap up shortly before the next census.

Episode 34: Ed Miliband’s Clause IV moment

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Tonight, more on the story that Kate Green MP got so pissed on Top Totty, she suggested something as ludicrous as banning it in Parliament. And how Harriet Harman wept tears of pride for Green – thus reinforcing the sexist stereotype that all women are over-emotional wrecks. One feminist spokesperson – who declined to identify his/her gender – said, ‘Thanks a lot Harriet. Your intervention’s set the cause back a decade.’

Anyway, enough about women, because here’s yet another ever-breaking exclusive for you: et tu Ed Miliband will tomorrow deliver his very own Clause IV moment. After exhausting every conceivable policy and ploy to resurrect his flagging leadership (apart from trying out competence), Miliband’s sensationally opted to reinstate the totemic clause.

‘It’s the last throw of the dice’, admitted the sole remaining member of Miliband’s inner-cicrle, who wanted to remain anonymous for reasons of personal credibility and future career prospects under Labour’s next leader. ‘But as absurd as this announcement sounds, it actually makes sense: if we can sew up the Communist vote, roughly 3% of the electorate, that’d represent a massive popularity spike for Ed. A real shot in the arm for morale.’

The SpAd, in-between slurping Top Totty and joshing about breasts, explained further: ‘Ed needs a headline-grabbing initiative; mind, if the headlines the morning after say, “This initiative sucks ass”, then that’s the Murdoch press for you. But you can’t fault his boldness. Indeed, it’s that boldness that won Ed the support of 83 among 258 Labour MPs in our leadership contest.’

It’s time for a break now, but like an Islamist cleric under house arrest, don’t go anywhere. When we return, we’ll be speaking to David Cameron, who says that despite the economic gloom, there’s lots to look forward to in 2012: like the Olympics, the Diamond Jubilee, and the prosecution of Chis Huhne. Can anyone else smell shit?

Episode 33: Showbusiness for ugly people? Then how do you explain Chuka Umunna?

Good evening, ladies! The name’s Colgate – Drew Colgate. Tonight, a News 25 extra-special Special! Because I’m joined live and explosive by the Shadow Secretary of State for Innovation, Business, and Skills (IBS), Student Union Labour Association wet dream, and earlier today unveiled as the next James Bond, Chuka Umunnunnunnunna.

Chuka, how do you feel about beating Will Smith to the accolade of first black Bond?

It’s an honour, Drew. But it just proves what I’ve been saying for months: with et tu Ed Miliband at the helm, impossible is nothing. Like our historic 5% approval rating.

What will your experience with Labour bring to the iconic role?

An incomprehensible narrative, weird characterisation, and dialogue that’s spoken “human”. David Lynch will be directing.

They say that politics is showbusiness for ugly people, but doesn’t your appointment as 007 disprove the adage?

Yes, that’s such an offensive stereotype. And incidentally, I’m really looking forward to having Bond girls nibble on my perpendicularly protruding ears.

Episode 32: Alex Salmond unveils second referendum question

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Tonight, I’m reporting from the Scottish Parliament, a building that cost the UK taxpayer £414 million, and one the project manager of Edinburgh’s phantom tramway calls ‘great value’.

Today at Holyrood, constitutional politics got sexy! No, I’m not talking about the fragrant Nicola Sturgeon’s trademark trouser-suits, but the popular clamour for Alex Salmond’s referendum consultation. The intricacies of the Anglo-Scottish settlement and the possible extension of the franchise are said to be of particular interest to Glaswegian football fans and single mothers, juggling 4 kids and night shifts. However, News 25 understands that said consultation curiously won’t include discussions about the First Minister’s longing to rig the referendum question(s).

Anyhow, that debate’s already obsolete because Salmond revealed earlier today that there will indeed be a second question on the ballot paper: namely, ‘Is it just me, or am I, Alex Salmond, God?’

The SNP Führer explained the rationale: ‘We spent weeks fine-tuning the wording, but the issue itself, that’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot during recent decades. Suffice to say, we’ll be campaigning for a ‘Yes’ vote, and I do believe it’s Scotland’s destiny to be manipulated into voting that way.’

Today’s development follows last night’s clash between wannabe Colgate Jeremy Paxman and the First Minister, when the Newsnight anchor likened Big ‘Eck to Robert Mugabe.

‘I was offended’, said a pensive Salmond. ‘I’m way more powerful than a lousy African dictator. I’ve got windfarms and oil and banks and shit. Plus, there’s the helpful front of an effective Parliament to hide behind. Couple that with my Bismarckian genius, and you’ll appreciate why the Scots people couldn’t be denied their right to confirm my divinity any longer.’

Episode 31: Ed Miliband’s poll rating goes through the roof (of a cellar in a basement flat)

Hello there! I’m Drew Colgate, exposing scoops and scandals so constantly I’ve been diagnosed with Breaking News Tourette’s – a condition that was only officially recognised by the British Medical Council 3 minutes ago by means of yet another News 25 exclusive.

Tonight, right now, this very second, more ever-breaking news: it’s party time at Labour HQ! Sounds like a blast, eh? Et tu Ed Miliband’s hotshot inner-circle of SpAds, voice coaches, and personality detectorists are currently dancing the conga along Victoria Street to celebrate the latest polls, which reveal their boss’ approval rating rocketing to 7%.

This paradigm-shifting news follows Miliband’s policy jackknife earlier this week, when the Leader of the Opposition merrily acceded to the Coalition’s economic plans.

One SpAd, 17, the mastermind behind Labour’s change of heart, said the future now looked bright: ‘Ed’s strategic realignment speaks volumes for my judgement, and augers well for both the country and my career prospects. I simply reasoned that everything Ed had been saying and doing ‘til now was utter shite, so the opposite had to be better.’

The young mastermind, who wanted to remain anonymous for modesty reasons, enthused, ‘7% today, but what tomorrow? 8%? 9%? The sky’s the limit, but we’re trying to keep our feet on the ground’, before he rejoined the London Pride-soaked conga.

Another insider spoke of the significance of the breakthrough: ‘Just think: if Ed hadn’t aped the Government’s policies, he might still be on 5%. Thank goodness we can all breathe a sigh of relief as he hurtles towards 7%.’

However, the source was unwilling to confirm the rumour the Miliband now has a 10% approval rating in his sights, adding, ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’, ‘Let’s assess the situation’, and ‘Don’t be silly, you windup merchant’.

Episode 30: And what’s more serious than exploding penises?

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25 – the show that Harriet Harman wants banned because, and I quote, she’s an ‘illiberal tosser’.

Tonight, the plastic surgery scandal that shook Britain takes the most extraordinary plot twist. Last week, it was women’s breasts; this week, it’s men’s penises. Male clients of the French company PIP are being advised by the industrial manufacturer of genital grout to fess up to their penis enlargement, and get the grainy mush extracted from their dongs.

Across the country, men are looking anxious but simultaneously denying ever going under the knife for such a humiliating procedure.

Peter Keys from Kent, spoke for British manhood, in both senses of the word: ‘I feel sorry for any guy who’s insecure or insufficient enough to resort to penis enlargement. Suffice to say, I’ve never had problems with my naturally massive…’

The interview then terminated when Pistol Pete’s crotch proceeded to self-combust.

Episode 29: High speed rail cancelled due to leaves on track

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25 – the show that gobbles up exclusives like Alex Salmond does Scottish Labour leaders. Tonight, I interview the policeman who snapped Antony Worrall Thompson’s mug shot and told the disgraced chef to say ‘cheese’. And how Worrall Thompson’s now considering legal action.

But first, more ever-breaking news: the Government’s latest U-turn – it’s been 6 days since their last, after all. Just 48 hours after Downing Street gave high speed rail the green light, David Cameron’s cancelled the project. Instead, the PM will tomorrow announce plans for a £10 billion money burning scheme to help reduce youth unemployment.

Danny Alexander, Chief Sec to the Treasury and the Tory Party’s Human Shield, explained this head scratcher: ‘Everyone in Cabinet supports this decision after being told to support it at this morning’s emergency meeting.

‘We were all ordered to agree that £32 billion for a train that takes 15 minutes off your journey from Birmingham to London wasn’t money well spent. Instead, we’re going to employ 2 million listless, illiterate youngsters to burn £10 billion. This new plan represents great value for money: it saves the taxpayer £20 billion, creates new jobs, and shows the Coalition’s commitment to efficiency savings.’

Time for a break now, but when we return we’ll be speaking to David Cameron on why Britain’s a Christian country – and how if you anyone disagrees, they can ‘piss off’. See you in 3.

Episode 28: Honours system devalued, says call girl OBE

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25 – the thinking man’s Newsnight with bigger graphics and shit.

Tonight, following last week’s announcement of David Cameron’s New Year Honours List, in which 3 convicted criminals, 2 pornographers, and a Muslim all received awards, the knives are out for the PM.

‘It totally demeans the Honours system’, said Tina Minx OBE, honoured in ’08 for services to prostitution. ‘I provide great things for the community, with 100% customer satisfaction. Last night, 10 local businessmen and I made The Big Society an intimate reality atop my marital bed. And how does Cameron repay my shining example of citizenry? By demeaning my achievement. I feel cheap. I’d been asked to consult the Government about how to spice up sex education for 6 year olds, but Cameron’s dissing of my OBE has me thinking twice.’

Meanwhile, Sir Ronny Mapes, knighted in ’09 for services to the online gambling industry and charity work, was raging: ‘I used to like that geezer Cameron, but his New Year Honours List takes the piss. I’d return my knighthood if it didn’t get me priority seats at Spearmint Rhino.’

But our besieged Prime Minister came out fighting today: ‘It’s a great thing that reformed criminals are receiving Honours: testimony to both our criminal justice system, and our Christian society’s capacity for forgiveness.’

But what about the Muslim?

‘I’ve got no explanation for that, and I take full responsibility’, said Cameron. ‘That’s why I pledge to find the scapegoat responsible and fire him immediately.’

Episode 27: Obama to run on inspiring non-Mormon ticket

Howdy! Drew Colgate here! But where? That’s right – just call me Washington DC, baby! ‘Cause I’m live and explosive from Capitol Hill for News 25’s first of 400 American election specials.

And how’s this for ever-breaking news: President Obama will not be repeating the hopeful, anthemic slogans of his rousing ’08 campaign. Instead, he’s swapping those inspiring messages – ‘Yes We Can!’, ‘Change We Can Believe In!’, and ‘Is It Just Me, Or Am I God?’ – for the more pragmatic catchphrase: ‘I’m not a Mormon.’

A Democratic strategist, speaking off-the-record, said the change of approach was a no-brainer. ‘After 4 years of broken promises and missed opportunities, Barack ought to be sweating like Andy Coulson in a phone shop right now’, said our inside man, demonstrating intimate knowledge of domestic politics across the pond. ‘After all, he couldn’t run on his record: he doesn’t have one. Yes We Can? Did that soundbite relate to the closure of Guantanamo Bay or economic recovery? But then the Republicans threw their weight behind a Mormon called ‘Mitt’. Let’s just say, our campaign billboards will write themselves.’

But isn’t that message too negative and one-dimensional for Obama, the self-styled ‘change’ politician, I asked, talking tough.

‘I agree’, said our White House source. ‘That’s why, alongside the anti-Mormonism, we’ll also be running commercials informing the American people that our candidate isn’t a young earth creationist.’

Episode 26: Cameron’s modernisation agenda goes one step too far

Drew Colgate here! Happy New Year! Not that you’d guess from the Twitter-assembled angry-mob storming Tory HQ right now. But this ain’t no happy-slapping youf riot or public sector anti-cuts protest; no, it’s the wrath of grass-roots Conservatives, demonstrating against David Cameron’s latest strategy to detoxify the Tory brand: the modernisation of Norman Tebbit.

Cables obtained and immediately broadcast to the world by News 25 revealed Downing Street’s Stalinist 5-Year Plan to Gok Wan Lord Tebbit of Chingford.

Pippa Hobhouse, 69, with her ‘STEVE HILTON DIE’ placard in one hand, and a bottle of sloe gin in the other, captured the collective bewilderment of the brawl: ‘Number 10’s taking the piss, so it is. I’ve even heard that annus horribilis 3 of this immoral 5-Year Plan involves burning Norman’s trademark double-breasted pin-striped suits and replacing them with H&M V-necked pullovers. It’s nothing short of the prostitution of a national treasure. We demand a public inquiry.’

Pippa proceeded to swig her sloe, before assaulting our camera man.

Meanwhile, Tim Montgomerie, Editor of ConservativeHome, spoke for every true Tory in the land, as he tends to do. ‘It’s modernisation gone mad’, cogitated Monty. ‘To botox Lord Tebbit’s jowly cheeks against the octogenarian’s will, that’s the cosmetic equivalent of waterboarding. Visit our site and sign our petition to take this daft idea to the European Court of Human Rights. Alternatively, visit our site and sign our other petition to ban the European Court of Human Rights.’

And the stubbly sage wasn’t finished there: ‘This morning I tabled an FIO request and to my disgust it confirmed that a squadron of SpAds are planning to strap down Norman, superglue a pair of tortoiseshell designer frames to his improbably huge ears and nose, wrap skinny jeans ‘round his gaunt, arthritic legs, and tattoo ‘Choose Life’ on his chest. It’s the NHS reform debacle all over again.’

Episode 25: Ho-ho-ho-Bo-Jo! The Mayor of London celebrates the season of goodwill

But not in the way Nick Griffin and Alan Hansen are. More on that non-story later.

For now, we’ve got ever-breaking news from Waterstone’s Piccadilly, where Boris Johnson is speaking at a book signing for his latest literary offering, Johnson’s Life of London.

‘Seeing as it’s this time of year,’ proclaimed Johnson from the Crime section, ‘I’ve personally requested that all the proceeds from my book be donated to myself.’

‘But don’t think I’m being selfish,’ expounded Johnson, while browsing the Religion and Cooking shelves, ‘because the money will be going to a great cause: to fund my campaign to take over the Conservative Party from David Cameron. So, you see now: it couldn’t be more for the common good.’

Johnson’s publisher waxed lyrical about the book: ‘It’s the perfect stocking filler for people interested in History – school leavers, don’t all rush at once.’

Episode 24: I didn’t know Alex Salmond was il

Good evening! I’m Drew Colgate: truth seeker, news breaker, master communicator – just don’t ask me to explain why.

Top story tonight: Alex Salmond, Emperor of Scotland, was earlier feared dead after it was announced that the Great Leader (you know, the one with the god complex and absolute authority over his country’s ‘Parliament’?) passed away.

But let me stop you mid-cartwheel: it was just SKY pulling our legs. Or, as it’s also known, breaking news now, thinking later.

Instead, an SNP spokesperson confirmed that Salmond spent the day watching YouTube clips of himself, before unveiling his official Christmas card to the beckoned press gang. However, the SNP Führer was disappointed with his card’s design because he’d agreed that it should feature a picture of the Messiah. So, imagine his dismay when the First Minister’s face was nowhere to be seen.

Salmond reacted thus: ‘It’s not often I’m speechless – alas – but I couldn’t believe it when my Churchillian face (that’s the dog, not our truly great leader) didn’t appear.’

SNP supporters shared their leader’s incredulity, and not just because they were told to. ‘I don’t get it’, said one. ‘I’d always assumed Alex was the Messiah. How else would you explain his swotting of political goliaths Iain Gray, Wendy Alexander, and Jack McConnell?’

Salmond proceeded to blame the incident on Westminster: ‘If Scotland had its own tax raising powers to fund Christmas card design, blunders like this wouldn’t happen. It’s yet more proof that David Cameron doesn’t care.’

But the Prime Minister wasn’t slow to hit back: ‘What’s Salmond on about? Scotchland means the world to me.’

Episode 23: Too many gays in the Westminster Village – not our words, but Peter Tatchell’s

Good evening! Welcome to News 25, the show that needs no introduction – if that’s the right adjective.

Tonight, it’s only another News 25 scoop! For our latest exclusive to rock Westminster, let’s join our political Scanalyst Kai Knobs in Central Lobby.

Thanks, Drew. I’m here with Peter Tatchell, equality campaigner, who’s think tank Straight Talking will publish a report tomorrow revealing what it calls the ‘elephant in the room, shitting all over our democracy’. Pete, do tell.

With pleasure, Kai. Our research shows that due to the colossal number of closet homosexuals among Tory MPs, gays are overrepresented in Parliament. It’s an abomination of our treasured principles of representation and equality, from which there can be no compromise.

That’s why we’re campaigning for all-heterosexual candidate shortlists. How else can the straight community fight back against such institutionalised prejudice?

Strong words, Pete. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Conservative Party has hit back with an equally fierce statement: ‘We refute Mr Tatchell’s allegations. Just because many of our MPs have sham marriages and/or secret boyfriends doesn’t make them crafty butchers.

‘Anyway, what’s Mr Tatchell got against MPs jogging in the cycle lane, if hypothetically such people did exist?’

Pete, how do you respond?

For me, it’s all about equality, Kai. The message from our research couldn’t be clearer: homosexuality and democracy don’t mix.

That’s quite a controversial statement, Pete. How do you think the gay community will react?

They’re probably too busy having promiscuous sex to notice.

Well said, Pete. Straight talking, indeed. Now back to Drew in our Millbank studios.

Thanks, Kai. Time for a break, but when we return we’ll be live from Hamley’s, where shop owners have banned the sale of toys because it sinisterly socialises children to play. See you in 3.

Episode 22: Our security threatened by CCTV

Good mmmorning! With 3 ‘M’s to denote my big respect to you, the viewing public. Welcome to News 25, the show that gobbles up exclusives for breakfast, lunch, and dinner – including, ironically, last week’s sub-Saharan famine exposé. But don’t worry: our source for that one was Johann Hari’s dispatch diary. So let’s assume that Africa’s currently performing a continental cartwheel amidst historic harvests.

Tonight, a starter for 25! Take that, Paxo! It’s drama in Derbyshire – there’s a sentence you haven’t heard this century – where the local Boots’ CCTV camera threatens customers’ security.

For more on the felon in the pharmacy, let’s join our Extra-Special Correspondent, Storm Robinson.

Thanks, Drew. I’m standing in the deodorant aisle of Boots. But shelf after shelf of antiperspirant can’t disguise that something stinks. Because this isn’t just a high street pharmacy, it’s also a crime scene. That’s because a shop security guard turned fugitive bandit has used in-store CCTV to clear victims’ bank accounts by snooping on customers while they enter their PIN numbers at the checkout.

Anthony Appleyard, store manager, can’t believe it: ‘I’m in shock. I thought that CCTV was just about civil liberty infringement, nannying, and authority spying on citizenry. Turns out, it’s also about stealing our hard-earned cash.

‘I want to reassure our customers: to combat other such abuses of CCTV, we’ve installed more in-store CCTV cameras.’

A fellow Boots staffer revealed that no one suspected their stray colleague of criminality: ‘There were no warning signs. All he did was look very attentively at the backroom monitor, while scribbling numerical notes. How were we to know?’

A council report published tomorrow, but leaked today offers a different perspective, blaming Boots’ customers for their conspicuous consumption of grooming goods and lush toiletries.

So will say the report: ‘We’ve got to look at the pre-cause of this crime. When you consider that this security guard was on just £14,000 a year, and bombarded by daily CCTV images of consumers dropping upwards of £40 on hair products, one can begin to understand the thought-process of the criminal. How would you like it if you were struggling to deodorise yourself and your family, while a customer flauntingly splashed the cash on 4 shampoo-conditioners, 3 exfoliating lotions, 2 mousse, and a shower cap? With some crimes, you’ve got to hold your hands up and say it commits itself.’

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Boots Ltd expressed the corporation’s condolences: ‘Our thoughts are with the victims and their families’, said the suit, before adding, ‘but the company cannot be held responsible for their lifesavings’ wipeout.’ However, he did confirm that Boots plans to offer victims fistfuls of £5 vouchers for near-to-sell-by-date items.

This is Storm Robinson live on News 25 and CCTV from Derby. Back to Drew.

Thanks, Storm. It’s time for a break. But when we return, more on the UN Climate Change Conference in Durban, where the world’s major polluters have delayed their cooperation ‘til 2025. Due to bad weather. See you in 3.

Episode 21: Miliband opportunistically takes a stand

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Tonight, I’m live and kicking from Belgium, home of Hercule Poirot and Stella Artois. But don’t let a grandstanding sleuth and overpriced lager put you off. Because it’s also where our grandstanding and overpriced European politicians are gathered.

In the boardroom behind me, David Cameron, Angela Merkel, and Nicolas Sarkozy are playing political hardball, while other European premiers check their emails and play Scattergories. And the new Prime Minister of Italy, by a decision that’s said to have no symbolic significance whatsoever, serves coffee and muffins. And the Greek PM shines Frau Merkel’s flatties, feeling about as important as a Climate Change Conference delegate. It makes you wonder why we bothered invading Iraq. We should’ve just invited Saddam to join the euro and forced regime change that way…

But what’s this?! I’m hearing through my earpiece that Cameron has struck a deal with his fellow member state leaders and agreed to start negotiating a new treaty. Let’s go straight to Ed Miliband for his immediate reaction. Et tu Ed, your thoughts?

Drew, it’s a dark day for Britain. By signing a new treaty, David Cameron has surrendered yet more of our sovereignty to Europe. And for what? To help our Continental competitors outperform us even more than they are already. And to save a currency to which we don’t belong. And what about these so-called ‘negotiations’? 27 member states ‘round the table, 26 of which want reform that Britain doesn’t. Merkel and Sarkozy will have Cameron for le petit-dejeuner. Our Prime Minister has sold Britain down the river. Unlike Mr Cameron, I’d stand up for Britain abroad…

Mr Miliband, I’m going to have to interrupt you – not because you’re as boring as an Olly Murs soundtrack to an Ashton Kutcher film – but that I’m now hearing David Cameron has in fact refused to negotiate a new treaty. That’s right, Britain wields its veto! Et tu Ed, your response to this ever-breaking news?

Well, that’s even worse! We’re out in the cold with no influence on the future of Europe. It’s gung-ho politics from Cameron, not for the benefit of Britain, but his europhobe backbenchers. That’s not how to behave on the world stage. And did I mention that it’s a dark day for Britain?

Yes, Mr Miliband. You’ve articulated Labour’s position on Europe perfectly. And thus made no sense at all.

Episode 20: Undercover at St Paul’s Cathedral

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Tonight, I’m reporting live and explosive from ground zero at St Paul’s, where Occupy London Stock Exchange, 4 weeks on, occupies the porch of a church.

I apologise for my ominous tone of voice: I’m having to speak with a golf-commentary whisper, not because I’m greenside, analysing a Dennis Wise (a nasty 5 footer), but because I’m recording undercover. Incognito. Undedected. And donning my Ugg boots, Canterbury tracksuit, and Jack Wills sweater, I’m fitting right in.

The protestors have embraced me like their long lost boarding school room mate. Seriously, Jack Wills’ ‘JW’ emblazoned jerseys get a bad press, but how many other clothes brands enable the identification of dickheads from a distance, allowing you to about turn and dodge the bullet?

But not courageous Colgate. Beneath the aforementioned sweater, I’ve strapped on a bullet proof vest, and integrated myself into the tented village. And earlier today, I wiretapped the tent of Toby Samson, one of the Occupy London protesters.

If you can handle the truth, here’s the recording:

CB: Toby, how are you?

TLSS: Freezing. Colder than last winter’s ski season in Davos. And no centrally-heated chalet, Alpine adrenaline action, or fit birds off-piste for consolation. I’m not kidding, the standard of talent on protests isn’t worth shouting about. Thank gosh half of them are wearing masks.

CB: Toby, what do you say to those who argue that your protest’s as useless as Ironside’s legs?

TLSS: I say to those people they’ve no right to protest against protest because they endanger the right of people to protest. Anyway, who said Ironside’s legs were useless? Wasn’t the actor just playing a character? When the director yelled ‘Cut’, I bet Raymond Burr bounded out of his chair.

CB: Then how do you explain Perry Mason, where Burr played another disabled detective?

TLSS: Typecasting. Stereotyping. Believe me, I’ve had first-hand experience. People say to me, ‘Toby Ludo Smyth Samson, you’re just a middle-class student, who’s got nothing better to do. They don’t appreciate the sacrifices I’ve had to make. I’ve missed a month’s worth of Countdown to be here. All those naysayers are twats consonant-consonant-vowel-consonant-consonants.

CB: What about the people who say St Paul’s Cathedral’s a site of architectural beauty, historical significance, religious worship, and tourist interest. I mean, isn’t your 4 week occupation way too long?

TLSS: Too long?! The feminist movement was at it for decades and they’re still going! In fact, I’d call myself a feminist. And I’ve got the hairy legs to prove it.

CB: Don’t you consider what you’ve just said to be an offensive stereotype too?

TLSS: Femmes, I’m only joshing! Don’t get your thoroughly unsexy knickers in a twist. Anyway, I’ve got to run: we’re all off to Premier Inn for the night.

CB: You mean where everything’s premier but the price?

TLSS: Yeah, and Lenny Henry’s comic ability.

Episode 19: David Cameron makes a Hunt of himself

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25, the show that’s resisted the temptation to irresponsibly stoke the scorching blaze of hackgate – anyhow, et tu Ed Miliband and Robert Peston already have that base covered.

But what a week at Westminster! The most astronomical media scandal to rock Britain EVER, during which the Secretary of State for media issues (that’s the one who ‘til 2 weeks ago couldn’t wait to merrily sign off Rupert Murdoch’s takeover of BskyB) was nowhere to be seen.

News 25 sent our anonymous undercover investigator Westminster way to hunt down Jeremy Hunt. Yesterday, and about time too, we finally cornered the Missing in Action Minister (MIAM). And Jerry was certainly keen to make up for lost time, immediately and thoughtlessly opening his mouth and landing the Prime Minister in it, revealing how David Cameron had ‘discussed’ BskyB with News International bosses (something that Cameron had only hours earlier been unwilling to disclose – to be fair to Hunt, he’d probably been too AWOL to notice).

News 25 sources are able to confirm that the PM was so raging at the Culture Secretary, he proceeded to verbally demolish the walls of his Downing Street office during a frenzied 5 minute profanity hurricane, which, according to horrified neighbours, included Cameron mispronouncing Mr Hunt’s name.

The PM promptly released the following statement: ‘I’d like to say sorry to Jeremy Hunt and to anyone else who was offended by my mispronunciation. I honestly hadn’t meant to say ‘Jeremy cunt’; what I really wanted to say was ‘Jeremy is a cunt’. To reiterate, I apologise profusely for that error of communication, but not for my decision to appoint Andy Coulson – especially given that this error of communication would’ve never occurred under Mr Coulson’s media management.’

Episode 18: Rihanna joins the Coalition! David Cameron recruits Rude Boy and California King Bed songstress to lead review of Government’s anti-sexualisation of children policy

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! The face of broadcast news and Dettol Protects – rather appropriate given how at News 25, we’re only interested in F-A-C-T. Find out what that means to me? Well, let Drew tell: everything! We’ve emerged from the High Court victorious, injunctionless, and more committed than ever before to spoon-feeding you the truth! We’re back! Bolder than ever! More fearless than before!

Tonight, Cameron gets tough on the sexualisation of kids. How tough? So tough that he’s considering banning ‘raunchy’ billboards of oil-smeared, bikini-clad celebs and models in and around school premises. Just because children never venture beyond the half mile radius from the school gates.

But that’s only half the story. Just like Carol Vorderman with Education, and Kirstie Allsopp with Housing, Cameron’s enlisted the services of another well-informed, policy-savvy, eye-for-detail celebrity. Only this time, the word ‘celebrity’ won’t really do. That’s right, presenters of Countdown and Location, Location, Location can suck Cameron’s Coalition. The PM’s latest recruit outshines the lot! Drum roll please . . . It’s only global pop sensation, cultural icon, and flexi-time humanitarian: Rihanna!

Speaking at their joint press conference from the Downing Street rose garden, Cameron said the Bad Girl, Bitch I Am, and Push Up On Me superstar was the ‘obvious choice’ to lead the Government’s policy review.

Rihanna, sporting trademark skin-tight leopard-print jumpsuit, flanked by 2 black dudes (one holding her skinny latte; the other, an umbrella-ella, to shield her sensitive skin), spoke from the heart: ‘My motivation? To make the kids feel good about themselves – including feeling good about being bad.

‘It ain’t right that 5 and 6 year olds are introduced to sex via my songs. They should be introduced to other things at that young, impressionable, vulnerable age. Like rough sex. Sex of deviant and depraved sorts. It’s all about teaching the kids tolerance and acceptance of new, dirty shit. For me, childhood’s about learning and experiencing.’

Displaying impressive policy expertise and knowledge of the British policymaking process, the Unfaithful, Hard, and Whipping My Hair artist emphasised the importance of ‘love’ at a young age: ‘I just love when it hurts. When the pain is my pleasure like nothing could measure, and where the affliction of the feeling leaves you wanting more.’

The UNICEF Ambassador grasps the broader policy context too, appreciating the connection between the sexualisation of children and crimes against women, describing how she likes ‘to be taken like a thief in the night, and held like a pillow’.

She even urged young boys to ‘disobey the law’ by ‘frisking girls good, and checking their panties and bras’.

‘But what it the girl’s breasts haven’t yet fully formed?’, asked Dick Robertson from the press gallery.

‘Do it anyway’, assured Rihanna. ‘Kids might as well learn the tools to equip them for adult life as soon as poss. And don’t forget to be kinky. Chains and whips are exciting, and available from my extensive sex aid range, Rude Toys.’

But it wasn’t all about the physical aspect. The Caribbean diva was keen to highlight the importance of relationships: ‘Girls, don’t worry when a guy breaks your heart – ‘cause they be falling like rain, so we ain’t runnin’ out.

‘And even if they do run out, how ‘bout some girl-on-girl action, sisters? Like I sensually and educationally demoed in my Te Amo video.’

‘Nick Clegg loves crying to that one’, confirmed Cameron.

The policy partners then returned to Number 10 for some Cabinet Table dancing to Rude Boy, Rihanna’s classic hit, and a stalwart of the primary school disco circuit. One 7 year old described the smash thus: ‘I love parkin’ against my ho to dat sick tune, and grindin’ all night.’

The policy review will be published in August – to coincide with the release of Rihann’s new album, Louder and Harder.

Episode 17: Is Britain’s cuts quake serious enough for you?!

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25, live from anarchy HQ: tonight, it’s all kicking off in the battle for Trafalgar Square!

Only hours ago, everything was so law-abiding and boring – almost Wordsworthian: the host marched along the margin of the embankment, tossing their heads in sprightly protest, armed only with banners and good spirits – what drama The Boat Race was!

It’s such a shame about the diary clash between the Oxford/Cambridge duel and the anti-austerity protests. Because it’s not as if these 2 events were catering for different markets. The Ugg boot and Jack Wills scarf sporting girlfriends and groupies of the Oxbridge oarsmen were honestly gutted when they found out that they’d have to miss out on today’s demo. ‘Dash! An afternoon in Fortnam & Mason would’ve been just lovely’, said one such hanger on. But maybe we should all be grateful: just imagine the carnage that it could’ve descended into had security at F&M been busted by the Boat Race Wag insurgency for a spot of afternoon tea? Political protest served with a free range egg and rocket-infused mayonnaise finger sandwich washed down with a sumptuously blended Assam would’ve only made a bad situation worse.

And to illustrate just how bad things are, please observe and absorb our graphic to the left of your screen. Because the message from the demonstrators is loud and clear: the Government’s strategy of cuts and layoffs to public services is our Japan. Note, this map was originally designed to flash fluorescent red; but that was before the mob turned nasty and vandalised it along with everything else. Meantime, please accept News 25’s sober apology for this insufficiently alarmist representation.

And it’s only getting nastier. Tonight, it’s war on the streets of central London. The Olympic Clock, erected only 2 weeks ago, repaired following technical blunder only one week ago, has now had to put up with being urinated on. However, in the spirit of the Olympic Games, the ever-assiduous Metropolitan Police have promptly extracted a sample, which will now be tested for performance-enhancing substance abuse; like mephedrone (street name ‘meow meow’), which causes one to lose all grasp of reality – thus very much enhancing the abuser’s ability to protest against public sector cuts in the context of a historically unprecedented budget deficit, and campaign for an alternative that doesn’t exist, and certainly hasn’t been explained by Ed Miliband.

Speaking of et tu Ed, he addressed the hundreds of thousands (that’s the protestors, not the sprinkles that you put on fairy cakes) with a breathtaking display, the highlight being when he compared the fight against the Coalition’s austerity agenda to the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa, and the civil rights struggle in America. Following those head-scratching parallels, a Met spokesman confirmed that they’ll also be drug testing the Leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition.

Time for a break now, but when we return, I’ll be talking to the Chancellor, who’s message to the protesters is clear: ‘Didn’t you see my budget mid-week? Guys, I’m slashing a penny off fuel! Relax!’ See you in 3.

Episode 16: Broadcast journalism meets You’ve Been Framed

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25 – the show where scoops and exclusives are so ever-breaking that 24 hours just aren’t enough.

First tonight, please accept the network’s boundless apologies for our 2 month absence from the air. I’m sure that you’ll understand why when I explain: mid-January, everyone here at News 25 was watching one of Lauren Laverne’s hilarious 10 O’Clock Live monologues and . . . 8 weeks later, we’ve only now stopped laughing. Lol out loud. I knew you’d understand.

But we’re back! Bolder than before! Is downtown Tripoli, aka dodge city, bold enough for you? Tonight, our bulletproof vested Arabian Correspondent Chad Lawrence reports from ground zero, where demonstrators have taken to the streets; but contrary to what all the other broadcasters lazily parrot, News 25 can exclusively reveal that the people of Tripoli are neither protesting against their tyrannical Government, nor arguing about which member of the UN Security Council’s the most supine. No, the multitudes flooding the streets of Libya’s capital have actually come together to urge the Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Mohmed Ali al-Megrahi to return to British soil for the London 2012 Olympics. And the so-called ‘civil war’? It’s actually a minor squabble about whether the ‘terminally-ill’ al-Megrahi should compete in the triple jump or the pole vault.

But before we join Chad, it’s only appropriate that we begin tonight with an appeal for earthquake-/aftershock-/tsunami-stricken Japan.

Because if you’re in Japan, then we want to hear from you! All you need’s a camera phone and preferably also a pet – something nice and cute. If that’s you, and if you and your pet are still alive, then send us your snaps.

Ideally, what we’re after here’s your pet looking just adorable, and in the background, scenes of all the destruction and devastation: flattened buildings, dismembered limbs, plumes of radioactive smoke, body bags, grieving relatives, etc. etc. – just awful. But the contrast between the sheer misery of the quake and, well, a cute cat – that’s dramatic potential that speaks for itself. Should be powerful stuff.

And if it’s not too much to ask, if there happens to be a trampoline or a paddling pool in the vicinity, you might want to think about injecting some physical comedy into your shots. Laughter is the best medicine, after all. Except of course for those still trapped beneath the wreckage, for whom laughter would obviously provide no practical benefit whatsoever, and indeed, each inhale-exhale of merriment could conceivably cause one’s body to prod against collapsed debris, only inducing further chronic discomfort. Close to the bone. But for the viewing public? Cat, trampoline, wretched Japanese backdrop? Broadcasting gold.

Yeah, so if you’re interested – and why on earth wouldn’t you be? – text your snaps to 25 JAP. And remember, if we use your photo, we’ll pay you £250. It’s sort of news journalism meets You’ve Been Framed. But in a serious way.

Episode 15: World exclusive! Bush gets waterboarded!

Hello there! I’m Drew Colgate, the perma-tanned face of fearless broadcast journalism. Tonight, our self-righteous . . . I mean, righteous quest for the truth gets evermore serious.

This week, George W Bush published Decision Points, the book Bush himself instructively calls ‘my own autobiography’. Earlier today, I brunched with the former White House resident. Over waffles and skinny lattes, we talked fully and frankly about politics, power, and golf. And just because it’s all good-natured banter, the ex-Pres was delighted to comply with our courageous request that he be waterboarded.

While being subjected to playful hydro-asphyxiation, punctuated by toe tickling with the aforementioned waffles, Bush was refreshingly candid about his life and times and state secrets. During our 20 minute casual chat, the former Commander and Chief revealed the following hitherto known unknowns and unknown unknowns:

1. That he is indeed the worst President in history.

‘Yes! Sign me up for that! And not only the worst President in the history of America, but of any country that ever was, including those rogue states belonging to the axis of evil. I admit the deed! Tear up the planks!’

2. That American’s mission in Iraq isn’t quite yet accomplished.

‘Yes! Of course! It was plain stupid of me to proclaim ‘mission accomplished’ back in ‘03. I’d hold my hands up right now if they weren’t bound behind my back.’

3. That 9/11 was indeed a conspiracy.

‘I confess! Yes! Big Don Rumsfeld accidentally pressed the wrong button to missile the Pentagon. But it was an honest mistake: he had actually meant to take out a gay Latino illegally hurdling the border.’

4. That there were indeed aliens at Roswell.

‘Trust me! I know because I was abducted by them while out on a bender one night at Harvard.’

I think that those revelations demonstrate that vis-à-vis simulated torture AKA waterboarding AKA what’s all the fuss about?, the end justifies the means. And yet, no matter how much water we boarded, we couldn’t ease an answer from Bush about how somebody of such limited intellectual capacity and knowledge of sentence structure could one morning awake and find himself the most powerful man on earth – all we got was befuddled silence from our otherwise obliging witness.

Episode 14: Another bad week for our Premier League role models

Hello there! I’m Drew Colgate, the nipped-tucked face of News 25, Persil washing powder, and Gillette Beast17 – because last season’s 16-blade razor that we couldn’t stop screaming and shouting about’s now so embarrassingly analogue that it’s been scientifically proven to be inimical to your happiness. 16 blades can go and get lost. And don’t dare think about not upgrading to our new shiny 17-blade model or you can forget about any beautiful dame narcissistically draping herself over you opposite your bathroom mirror, suggestively stroking your stupid face ever again. More on that story later. But before all that, we’ve got some more ever-breaking news for you.

Hold on to yourself Bartlett: according to unconfirmed tit-bits transmitting through my earpiece, a Premier League footballer is thought not to be indulging in any seedy adulterous acts with £2000-a-go pros. Our source even claims that the unnamed footballer, believed to play for Manchester United, believed to have red hair, believed to be Paul Scholes, has neither ever texted kinky snaps of his roused ginger haired hot bod to any ladies of the night, nor has he ever spanked the derrière of any call girl with such sexually-charged heartiness that it indented the design of his 24-carrot-encrusted wedding band on the buttock of the conquest.

This shocking narrative’s advancing rapidly, so without further ado, or a crumb of self-awareness, let’s get more from our resident Sports Psychoanalyst Dr Kai Knobs.

Thanks, Drew. I’m standing outside Old Trafford, theatre of dreams, and home of red devils. But tonight, there’s something in the air, that unmistakable atmos of hush, foreboding, and scandal – it all suggests that today’s rumours, improbable as easy listening dubstep though they are, are definitely true. And let’s now repeat that rumour again for those who’ve just joined us: an unnamed footballer, thought to be Manchester United’s legendary midfielder Paul Scholes, is alleged not to be engaged in serial infidelity with borderline underagers.

We contacted Scholes for comment, but the infamously private star was characteristically tight-lipped. However, we did manage to speak to Scholes’ less private, more brazen co-worker Rio Ferdinand. ‘Nothing surprises me in football these days’, cogitated Ferdinand. ‘Managers sacked after 2 weeks on the job; clubs owned by bent Taiwanese politicians; Sol Campbell to Notts County; and now today’s bombshell. But let me tell you something: we’ve got a great spirit in that dressing room. Scholesy’s revelation wasn’t something that we were expecting, but we’ll get through this and come out stronger together. That’s why I’m going out with the lads tonight for some Tiger beers and team bonding at Diamond Dolls, Manchester’s premier Asian-style gentlemen’s establishment.’

But despite Rio’s reassurances, United supporters will surely now be asking if it’s Scholes-gate that’s behind their team’s stuttering start to the new season. After all, how could behaviour that’s so deviant in the Premier League community not rupture dressing room morale? How could Scholes commit to the wife and kids like this and not ruffle the feathers of fellow United stars who see women as a commodified object to be bought, enslaved for a night, then paid off, and perhaps later superinjunctioned? This is Dr Kai Knobs, spoon-feeding you food for thought live from Old Trafford.

Thanks, KK. We want do know what you think of the smears against Scholes. At News 25, we genuinely value your contributions; they’re not simply the means of filling air time when there’s no news to broadcast. Because our news is forever ever-breaking. ‘Forever ever, forever ever, forever ever?’, asks Andre 3000 via Twitter. Yes, Andre! When News 25 says something, we mean it! Now, get yourself a Gillette Beast17 and do something with your ludicrous facial hair.

Episode 13: Broadcasting in the national interest

Hello there! I’m Drew Colgate, the botoxed face of News 25 and Persil washing powder. This week, our Political Editor-and-Chief Chet Wilson reviews party conference season. Viewers are warned that Chet’s piece contains flash photography and images of self-indulgent politicians applauding and back-slapping and brown-nosing and loving themselves.

Chet Wilson here, reporting live from a deserted conference centre in Birmingham. Tory MPs have now fled back to Westminster Village, all anxious that they might’ve caught something had they hung about in Birmingham any longer – or as George Osborne calls it, ‘Birmingham? Where’s that? I don’t do north of Rutland.’

And it was another city north of Osborne’s parallel universe where conference season 2010 opened for business: the Lib Dems in Liverpool last month. In his impassioned keynote diktat to spectacle-stringed party diehards, Nick Clegg explained without notes or principles why he had no choice but to sacrifice it all and gleefully bound into bed to indulge in some political ooh la la with David Cameron. The Clegg defence? Something very specific about the subjective intangible of the ‘national interest’, which very conveniently excused him from talking about anything at all vague. Then he thanked the party membership, lapped up their ovation, buggered off, hopped into his ministerial motorcade to John Lennon airport, before jet-setting it to NYC to represent the government at some cocktail party organised by the UN, where he rubbed shoulders with, and licked the arse of, President Obama – much like his party delegates had done to him 18 hours before. Here at News 25, we salute Nick’s personal sacrifice.

Back in the conference hall, MPs and party members were all rather well-behaved, and nothing even remotely interesting was happening. But that wasn’t nearly controversial enough, so our Political Scandal and Twitter Correspondent Dick Robinson desperately groped around for something scoop-worthy, and uncovered an innocuous statement of fact uttered by Vince Cable about how companies in a capitalist economy strive to crush competitors and seize monopoly, and titivated it up like it was a contestant on Stars in their Eyes, and hey presto! Tonight Matthew, Cable’s on a capitalist-bashing crusade! And out of nowhere, we’ve got something to talk about for 3 days! Our narrative fashioned! Our existence validated!

The following week, News 25 journeyed north-east for Labour’s brotherly love-in. Manchester was the scene of the crime – the crime being et tu Ed’s betrayal of big brother David.

What must Ralph’s son and heir be feeling now? And to think, Ed had convinced David not to stand against Gordon Brown last year, after David’s comrade and confidant James Purnell had left the government and urged Brown to do likewise, serving up David a dagger on a platter.

Ever wondered what Ed said to his brother that night to talk David out of it? Well, tonight you can stop wondering: that’s right, News 25’s hired the specialist services of Randy Coulton, PI and phone hacker of the stars (note, any resemblance of name to any other public figure exonerated of phone hacking allegations is entirely non-coincidental). So here’s the explosive transcript of 2 Milibands in conversation and at war:

David: Ed, I think I’m going to run against Gordon . . .

EDM, aka brotherly back-stabbing bastard: No! David, don’t do it! You’re time will come, brother of mine. Just hold on ‘til after the election. Who’s going to stand in your way then? Remember: he who wields the dagger, never wears the crown. You’ve got to trust me.’

Thanks for that piece of courageous investigative journalism, Randy.

Back in the conference hall, Ed talked about the ‘new generation’, discrediting the ‘old politics’ that killed New Labour at the last election, but forgetting to mention that he authored New Labour’s manifesto at that last election.

After noticing that EDM’s left eyeball’s bigger than his right, I asked one Labour delegate why she had voted for Ed. ‘Because he’s the more telegenic Miliband’, she told me.

Here in Birmingham, the Tories arrived on Sunday smug, but left on Wednesday crestfallen. That’s because David Cameron’s choreographed collective back-slap was elbowed out of the spotlight by one big Eton Mess: George Osborne’s new policy to deny child tax credits for a single parent family earning one penny over £44,000, but preserve the same benefit for a 2-parent family with combined income of up to £88,000.

‘What?! What moron came up with that shit idea?!’, said Tory backbenchers.

‘George Osborne’s announcement’s so nonsensical and unfair that it can’t possibly be a proper announcement of policy intention, rather it must be a pre-announcement, a pre-cursor to consultation and review before our final policy announcement, which will be made somewhere in the middle of our 5 year plan, which will become a 10 year plan shortly before the next election’, stammered Tory Minister for something-or-other Tim Loughton, dying on his arse live on Channel4 News.

Not even our Prime Minister’s broken record about The Big Society was able to reverse this tide of gaffe, blunder and flip flop. You know, it’s hard to believe that in a culture that’s so selfish, greedy, hedonistic, and money-/fame-/celebrity-obsessed that Cameron’s message of social responsibility isn’t getting through. I wonder why? We’ll get Randy Coulton on the case for next week.

But that’s your lot for conference season 2010. These self-indulgent epics/exhibitions are finally over, and our altruistic public servants can now get on with the matter of the national interest. This is Chet Wilson, reporting live from Birmingham. Back to Drew in the southern comfort of the News 25 London studio.

Thanks, Chet. Now time for the ads, including one from Persil, Britain’s premier washing powder. Here at News 25, we want absolutely nothing to do with dirty laundry. See you in 3.

Episode 12: Gill spills milk and it’s gone everywhere!

Hello there! Drew Colgate here, spoon-feeding you ever-breaking news in the third person. But don’t assume that I’m a wanker for speaking in the third person. Assume that I’m a wanker from my botoxed brow; my surgically-enhanced upper-lip; my ludicrously jet black bouffant, subtly accented with fluorescent blonde highlights; my t-shirt, skinny-tie, and aviator Rays ensemble; and my periodically impenetrable transatlantic enunciation.

This week, a story that’s so huge, it’s off the chain: Claire crafty butcher Balding and A A Gill at war! More from our bullet-proof vested Sexual Deviance Correspondent Carlton Knobs.

Good evening from outside the posh West London pad of Claire Balding, television star, equestrian connoisseur, and raving homosexual. Back in July, when Balding was presenting her BBC4 series ‘Britain By Bike’, journalist and critic double-A Gill penned the most disgusting newspaper review of Balding’s show in The Sunday Times. Balding objected to Gill’s richly imaginative and dangerously avant garde observation that she was a ‘dyke on a bike’. In a eureka-style epiphany ordinarily reserved for the likes of Newton and Galileo, Gill revealed to us that the word ‘bike’ rhymes with the word ‘dyke’, and thus constitutes another inspired column inch.

But Balding couldn’t find it in herself to acknowledge Gill’s literary genius, and got all gripey about his so-called ‘pejorative’ and somehow ‘offensive’ use of the word ‘dyke’. This week, the Press Complaints Commission upheld Balding’s whinge.

We tried to contact Mr Gill, but he was unable for comment. However, he did offer the olive branch with the release of the following heartfelt statement: ‘I write this paragraph with just an ordinary plastic biro, but also with profound regret at the upset that my careless conduct has caused Claire. I apologise unremittingly. I want it on the record that I now agree unconditionally with everything that Claire said. Because I’m not stupid enough to argue with a butch crinkly swindler who’s twice my bodyweight.’

Meanwhile, I asked Ms Balding if there’s any truth in the rumour that the next series of Britain By Bike will now be called Humourless, Hypersensitive Grouser On A Bike – but Claire was too busy on the campaign trail, fighting the cause of discrimination against massive lesbians in the jockeying industry. This is Carlton Knobs, reporting, and revelling in it, for News 25.

Thanks, Carlton. Now time for the ads. But don’t go anywhere. Surrender to the enticing allure of the box, allow the stream to submerge your sedentary, thoughtless, and vegetative self; but don’t forget to send us your valued, brooding, and meaningful contributions via SMS and Twitter. See you in 3.

Episode 11: Andy Coulson’s phone gets bugged and other exclusive, explosive news

Hello there! The name’s Drew Colgate. Welcome to News 25! The show that puts the OMG! into current affairs. In a really thoughtful and non-sensationalist way.

I’d like to begin tonight’s show by ever so subtly jack-knifing the tone of transmission hitherto, by commemorating the 9 year anniversary of that historic, epochal, paradigmatically-reordering event: the day that the Labour Party leadership race began. Retrieve your jaws from the floor, unflabber your gasts, lovingly caress your smacked gobs – it really has been 9 years! Because it honestly feels like it’s just flown by – with the velocity of a hijacked passenger jet careering into a Middle Eastern-made skyscraper.

For the latest on the leadership marathon race, here’s our veteran Leadership Marathon Race Correspondent, Jonnie Gerrard.

Thanks, Drew. Day 4327: Ed Miliband, Shadow Secretary of State for Energy, Climate Change and Scaremongering, pledges to continue shirking the insignificant detail of GDP-to-the-power-GDP national debt by courageously vowing to deliver the £7 living wage, record re-investment into our insufficiently bloated public services, and according to one unverified report, he might even have promised the world too. However, as a responsible broadcast journalist, I’m not prepared to confirm that last one; I’m merely going to tell you all about it on national television while it remains unsourced, unsubstantiated gossip.

And get ready to retrieve those jaws etc. all over again: the new Labour uber-Fuhrer’s crowned in just 2 weeks – this epic/exhibition will all be over in less than a fortnight!

No! Don’t go! Brothers Miliband, Messrs Balls and Burnham, and that oh so plucky West Indian mother – what box office you’ve all been! You’re living, breathing, artificially smiling proof of the value of the X-Factorisation of political discourse that’s been so bravely pioneered here at News 25. We’ve always maintained that politics can be sexed up without it costing hundreds of thousands of lives. This is Jonnie Gerrard, signing off from Central Lobby.

Thanks, Jonnie. And now for News 25 Masked and Undercover – hard-hitting, cutting-edge investigative journalism at its most hard-hitting and cutting-edge. This week, we expose the big lie behind The Big Society. Viewers are warned that the following report contains not a shred of self-righteousness and/or hypocrisy. To protect the anonymity of our masked undercover reporter, he will be known only as Agent Provocateur.

The vultures are out! And this time, they’re out for the man who used to be king of the vultures, the man who adorned our culture with stories about ‘bonking Boris’, ‘2-inch Prescott’, and ‘Oaten, the Limp Dem and the renter’ – but all in the public interest, you understand. Good evening from a dark, ambient, undisclosed London location. I’m Agent Provocateur. Tonight’s exposé is all about the aforementioned king vulture: Head of Communications at Conservative Party HQ, Andy Coulson. All week, Andy’s been competing for headlines with the ceaselessly captivating Labour leadership election; and tonight, that competition gets serious – News 25 serious.

This week, the enormity of Coulson-gate was laid bare: it transpires that the journalistic technique known in Fleet Street circles as ‘illegal phone tapping’ was endemic at The News Of The World during Coulson’s editorship. ‘Everyone in the office new about it’, whispers one former employee, now unemployed and angry, and desperate for a means to kick-start his career. ‘It was called Operation Celebrity Surveillance. We hacked into the phones of over 200 celebs.’

Here at News 25, we’ve conducted our very own Operation Celebrity Surveillance: that’s right, we’ve bugged the cell phone of none other than Coulson himself. Tonight, we reveal the secret conversation between Coulson and Prime Minister David Cameron – a conversation that exposes the big lie behind The Big Society:

DC: Andy, how are you coping?

AC: Dave, I think that I’m going to have to resign. This phone tapping scandal, it’s making us look bad. I think that I should do an Aitkin and fall on my simple sword of truth. That way, I could be back on the payroll in 18 months.

DC: No! If you go, who’s going to sell my Big Society idea to a disinterested public? Without you, the concept of social responsibility’s lost on 21^st century Britain.

AC: Dave, I’m the former Editor of The News Of The World – what do I know about social responsibility? Is it not a trifle hypocritical to preach to the people about the public good and their socio-moral obligations when I used to work for a newspaper that perfectly encapsulates all that’s crap about our selfish, greedy, celebrity-/fame-/money-obsessed society?

DC: I suppose, but we need a good PR man to sell it.

AC: Okay, you’ve twisted my arm. But only ‘cause I recognise that this act of shameless duplicity’s necessary to get the so very important Big Society message across.

DC: Thanks, Andy. Fancy a drink later?

AC: Great idea! Spearmint Rhino?

DC: No! Such a sleazy, despicable hovel! I only do classy joints – Stringfellow’s it is. And apparently Pete’s considering donating to the party, so it’ll be a good networking opportunity.

AC: That’s right, we can nail several birds with one stone . . . And if there’s enough time, we can talk about how we’re going to market this Big Society thing.

OMG? I think so. This is Agent Provocateur, reporting from a dark, ambient, unidentified London location. Now back to Drew.

Thanks for that thought-provoking feature, Agent Provocateur. More from News 25 Masked and Undercover next week.

Finally tonight, Wayne Rooney’s back on form, recovering his scoring talent in spectacular fashion. With the latest estimate at 7 in a bed, it seems that The Big Society’s something of a personal ambition for this Red Devil.

Alas! That’s all we’ve got time for tonight. I’ve been Drew Colgate, this is News 25, and it’s so much more serious than any of you will ever understand.

Episode 10: Big Brother in 2D

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! At your public service! I’d like to begin tonight’s show by drawing a line under vicious internet gossip circulating about my private life. To be absolutely clear, and to end all innuendo: I am definitely not straight. I don’t know where this hurtful lie’s come from, but it’s put an immense strain on me and my partner, Thomas Schafenacker. But we’re getting through it together. And it obviously helps that my weather man can do amazing things with his middle finger.

But enough tittle-tattle – time for the hard-hitting, heart-stopping current affairs that we all know and love. News flash! News flash! Tonight, right now, at this very second, News 25 can exclusively reveal that for the final episode of Big Brother, Jade Goody’s cardboard cutout will enter the Big Brother House.

We asked Jack Tweed, Jade’s tragic widower, for his opinion on what’s more 2-dimensional, the cardboard cutout or the real person, but then we remembered that Tweed’s unavailable for comment – because he’s currently doing time for a gang rape committed shortly after Jade’s burial. Tweed’s teenage victim said in court that Jack’s erection was longer than Jade’s coffin.

For the latest from the Big Brother House, here’s our weekly update, Big Brother’s Little Brother’s Underage Pregnant Girlfriend, sponsored by Durex – ’cause chances are, one of you’s got something.

This week, Victor went, like, totally mental, like: dissing Big Brother, bitching about his house mates, etc. Dr Andi Phelps, official Big Brother psychoanalyst, and author of ‘Famous For 15 Minutes, Miserable For Life’, said that Victor was displaying all the classic symptoms of NWWA – ‘He’s a nigger with the wrong attitude’, diagnosed Dr Phelps.

And that was your weekly BB update, Big Brother’s Little Brother’s Underage Pregnant Girlfriend, sponsored by Durex – ’cause chances are, one of you’s got something.

Now for the weather, with DJ Schnizzle Drizzle.

Hey Drew, this is Drizz,

And basically,

This is what I see,

Meteorologically:

Storms beasting the east,

Molesting the west;

Then thunder from down under -

By that I mean the weather of the nation,

Not some guy’s ejaculation

Of jizz.

I’ve been Drizz,

Out.

Thanks, Schnizz. He’ll be spitting more forec-ass-t in tomorrow’s lunchtime bulletin, High Noon. Time for a break, but we’ll have even more ever-breaking news when we come back. See you in 3.

Episode 9: First for innovation

Hello there! My name’s Drew Colgate, anchorperson and all-round self-satisfied, narcissistic twat.* Welcome to News 25! People of Britain, it’s news time – so step into my office.

Here at News 25, we’re always first for innovation – ‘cause if we were second, we wouldn’t be innovative, would we? This week, we’ve got another on-screen graphic for you up our sleeve. It’s to help transfix the audience’s infinitesimal attention span and keep all your post-modern minds from wandering on to RedTube – the media market’s tough out there. And so, as of tonight, the flashing amber ‘breaking news’ visual that we all know and love is going to be featuring permanently at the bottom of your screen – just ‘cause news is technically always breaking. If it wasn’t, how would be on air 365/24/7?

But before we move on to more ever-breaking news, it’s with profound regret that I issue the following apology:

After last night’s show, News 25 received a small but significant number of complaints about my facial expression during the broadcast. One viewer, Jean from Manchester, described my countenance as ‘grinning, inappropriate, inane, never changing’. I have subsequently reviewed last night’s show, and I can confirm that I was indeed smiling throughout, even when smiling was entirely unsuitable given the shocking nature of some of last night’s breaking news, and even when I introduced our special undercover report: Peodos In Speedos – How Do You Know That Your Kid Isn’t Being Perved On At The Seaside?

Tonight, I apologise enthusiastically to those viewers who were offended by what they saw last night. I’m as regretful as the man who finds God and then celebrates by getting pissed and sleeping with a prostitute.

I also want to take this opportunity to reassure the viewing public that I’m not a heartless bastard. Unsympathetic? That’s not Drew. Sadistic? Not guilty. Unfeeling? No . . . but yes: yesterday morning, I went for my fortnightly botox booster. But unfortunately for myself and last night’s audience, and especially for the escalating number of people who are victims of peodos in Speedos, the routine injection was bungled; apparently, I was administered the dosage intended for Gordon Ramsay’s canyon-like stress-lined chin. So, just a heads up: I’ll be smiling constantly for the next 10 days.

Anyway, time for the ads. But when we return, we’ll have another shocking story about another kind of f-word: fiddling. That and more ever-breaking news. See you in 3.

* Just to avoid confusion, Drew Colgate’s character is definitely not based on Emily Maitlis.

Episode 8: The Creator

Hello there! Welcome to News 25: the show that says no can do to cant. In the news this week, it’s the latest must-have-right-now-straight-away-absolutely-immediately-like-an-overindulged-screaming-toddler gadget from Apple that everyone’s been told to talk about: the ipan. But is it any good? We sent our Apple Editor Pak Choi to meet The Creator: Apple chief exec, Steve Jobs.

Hey, gorgeous! Pak Choi here, live from Los Angeles. I’m here to sample the best coke that the Golden State has to offer, but in-between lines I’m also checking out the new offering from Apple: the ipan. And who better to talk about it than the guy who made it: Steve Jobs. Steve, what do you say to those people who claim that the ipan is just like any other toilet, only with an Apple logo on the flap?

I say to those people, sit on an ordinary toilet. Then buy an ipan for £500. Then get it installed for £200 more. Then sit on it. Then shit in it. Then clean it using our extensive range of ipan maintenance utensils. Then you’ll feel the difference. Here at Apple, we’re all about revolutionising the egestion experience. We’re taking the taboo of the toilet and all that comes with it, and transforming it into a place of leisure. Note, the armrest and footstool, ensuring that all body parts are relaxed during defecation, that no undue pressure is exerted on any limbs. No medical scientist has actually been willing to say this, but take my word for it: the ipan will increase the life expectancy of the user through its easing of dump-related anatomical stress.

Yeah. I mean, it’s obvious when you think about it, isn’t it?

Exactly, Pak. And there’s so much more. Note, the ipod porthole on the armrest, allowing the user to escape and unwind to the soundtrack of his or her ipan playlist. Just think of the possibilities: discharge faecal matter while Engelbert booms, ‘Please release me, let me go’. Just like any other toilet? I don’t think so.

But with the ipod porthole located on the armrest, doesn’t that mean that you’ll have to choose between either listening to music or using the armrest, that it’s impossible to benefit from both functions simultaneously?

What did you just say?! Did you just question My Judgement?! Did you just doubt the sanctity of My Creation?! Did you just criticise the intelligence of My Design?!

No! Steve! No! Must be the cocaine talking. In jobby we trust . . . I mean, in Jobs we trust.

Good. What’s a jobby?

Moving on, I’m noticing here the specially branded ipan paper, but can you use ordinary bog roll on the ipan?

No. Absolutely not. Only our own reasonably priced paper is compatible with the ipan. Ordinary paper will block the bowl and then the user will have to . . .

Unblock it?

No, buy a new one.

Of course – what an idiot. So, News 25’s verdict? It’s only another triumph from Jobs and Apple. I’m off to snort some rails off that branded flap. This is Pak Choi, signing off from the City of Angels.

Episode 7: A good thing for democracy

ADRAIN CHILES (tonight’s guest host, standing in for News 25 anchor Seth Colgate, who’s now a week and-a-half into his 42-day detention – see last week’s leaders’ debate for Orwellian details): Good evening! I’m Adrian Chiles. You might know me from the ONE Show, but tonight I won’t be juxtaposing features about why the daffodils are blossoming late this season with your camera phone pics of foodstuffs that look like Christ, and shocking human interest case studies of people living with facial disfigurement. That’s because tonight’s the final leaders’ debate. Without further ado, and with measured applause that in no way suggests any party political affiliation, please welcome Gordon Brown, David Cameron, and Nick Clegg.

The sound of measured applause that in no way suggests any party political affiliation.

CHILES: Gents, let’s get straight to it – I’ve got another show to present in half-an-hour – how big is the budget deficit?

CLEGG: Huge.

CHILES: Yeah, but how huge? I mean, is it bigger than my chin?

CLEGG: No.

CHILES: ‘Gordon Brown’s the worst Prime Minister that Britain has ever had.’ Mr Brown, do you agree with the analysis of Manish Sood, your candidate for Norfolk North West?

BROWN: No. And as a student of History, let me explain why: Neville Chamberlain.

CHILES: That’s a bit defensive. What are you saying: ‘Vote for me because I’m not a ditherer and I didn’t lead us into an avoidable war against a lunatic tyrant’?

BROWN: No, because I did do all that.

CHILES: Mr Brown, Tupac Shakur once wrote, ‘There’s war on the streets and there’s war in the Middle East’. Now, ignoring that Shakur also wrote the line, ‘Sitting on death row all I need is my ho’, he sort of had a point, didn’t he?

BROWN: Look, all this talk about war on the streets, of broken Britain, that parts of London are more dangerous than downtown Baghdad, that a Saturday night in our inner cities is like an episode of The Wire – I think that it’s disgraceful that the Conservative Party’s prepared to talk Britain down for electoral purposes. Let’s not forget, crime is down – fact. Burglary? Down – fact. Rape? Unpleasant – fact. But it’s also down – fact. Dettol protects – fact. And so do our police – fact.

CHILES: Well, you say that crime is down, but I was speaking to Lee Dixon the other night, and he suggested that the reason that crime’s going down is that the police are catching fewer criminals and thus recording less crime than they used to. And when you think about it, the former Arsenal full-back might be on to something. I mean, your typical felon’s hardly going to commit a crime, then hang about for the police to show up so that they can officially register the offence, then bugger off, is he? No. He’s just going to commit the crime and bugger off. And then when the victim finds his car broken into, he realises that the police haven’t got a fucking prayer of catching the perpetrator, so he doesn’t bother reporting the crime to the police. And there you have it: another invisible crime that officially never happened.

CAMERON: That’s what I’ve been saying for months – it’s lies, damned lies, and Labour statistics . . .

CHILES: Whoa, DC, screw back for the blue: your record with statistics isn’t exactly John Curtice-proof either, is it? After all, was it not your party that claimed in a campaign leaflet that 54 percent of girls from Birmingham and Liverpool are pregnant by the time they’re 18?

CAMERON: That was a typo . . .

CHILES: But the figure was quoted 3 times. Is it not the case that it wasn’t a typo at all? Is it not the case that your army of staff that was responsible for this leaflet, when they read it over, it never crossed their minds to stop and think, ‘Y’know what? That 54 percent, that doesn’t look quite right. I actually think that it might be too high. Let’s run it by Google first before we click print.’ No, they didn’t do that. Instead, they thought, ‘Yeah, 54 percent. Sounds about right. Okay, click print and let’s get the hell out of here.’ Mr Cameron, you claim to have changed your party, you even claim to be the physical embodiment of change itself, but isn’t it true that your party is so ignorant of how the other half live that the people in charge of your election campaign literature think that over half the girls from feral cities north of Rutland are preggers by the time they get to third period geography? I mean, what parallel universe are you living in?

CAMERON: Kensington and Chelsea.

CHILES: And that’s about it from the final leaders’ debate. Sandra from Bath’s texted in to say, ‘News 25, thank you so much for these 3 debates. They’ve so enriched our democracy.’ Sandra then goes on to say, ‘Gordon, you don’t really have the right television-friendly body language to steer Britain through the economic crisis, so you won’t be getting my vote.’ If you’ve just tuned in, you’ve missed all the action, but don’t despair, because as of next week, you can see more of me on GMTV every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday morning. And when the World Cup gets underway next month, catch me presenting the football on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday afternoons and evenings. But if you’d like to see more of Gordon Brown, then take a good look at him right now.

Episode 6: How to clean up politics

SETH (the News 25 anchor): Hello there! Welcome to the second – and by an amazing coincidence, second last – prime ministerial plus Nick Clegg debate. Contestants Brown, Cameron and Clegg, good evening.

BROWN (Itching to be distinctive, to stand out from the other 2): Great to be here, Seth!

CAMERON (Itching to be distinctive, to stand out from the other 2): Great to be here, Seth!

CLEGG (Itching to be distinctive, yada, yada, yada): Great to be here, Seth!

Or . . .

BROWN/CAMERON/CLEGG (As usual, in faultless harmony): Great to be here, Seth!

SETH: Let’s talk pensions.

BROWN (Straight out the blocks, he’s a man on a mission: to surmount the political Everest that is Michael Foot’s 1983 poll rating): We’re going to introduce a tax credit for those pensioners entitled to their state pension but because the form that elderly people need to fill out in order to get another form to fill out in order to get another form to fill out in order to get another form to fill out in order to get the money that they’re owed, some pensioners have somehow not been receiving all the money that they’re owed. I was appalled when I found this out. Pensioners should not be made to jump through hoops to get the pension they deserve. Apart from anything else, that’s a health and safety nightmare. An accident waiting to be claimed. If you can find the right form and then fill it out . . . Anyway, the point is this: with a Labour Government, pensioners won’t have to choose between the care they need and the mouths they feed.

SETH: Sorry, did you just turn the misery of pensioner poverty into a sound bite?

BROWN: Seth, I really would love to answer that, but rule 666 of our contract clearly bans you from asking any supplementary questions. And if you try that again, I’ll have you arrested under the Anti-Terrorism Act.

SETH: OK, we’ve just received a text from Kev in Stockport, and this one’s for all 3 of you: ‘Describe what you stand for in one word.’

CAMERON: Change.

CLEGG: Changeier.

BROWN: Changeiest.

CAMERON: Oh, c’mon! Those aren’t even words!

CLEGG: See what I mean, people of Britain? Scratch beneath the surface, remove the veneer, strip away the façade – what Cameron offers is just more of the same discredited politics. Vested interests in the old, tired conventions of spelling and grammar. Y’know, if it wasn’t so tragic it’d be enough to make you lol.

SETH: Indeed, I am able to confirm tonight that as of next year Scrabble will be accepting ‘changeier’ and ‘changeiest’, and any other random combinations of letters.

CLEGG: And there’s lessons to be learned for politicians there. Mattel’s courageously embraced the challenge of engaging young people – they understand that it’s adapt or die. We’ve got to realise that young people today can neither communicate nor spell. The workplace simply doesn’t require these skills any more. Yesterday’s exercise book is today’s webcam featuring a promiscuous underager.

BROWN: I agree with Nick, and that’s why we’re proposing to lower the voting age to 12.

CLEGG: But it’s not as simple as that, Gordon! It’s about the bigger issue of cleaning up politics. People look at the House of Commons and they see an old, tired, corrupt political elite that they can’t relate to. Parliament should be the express image of the nation, not some distant closed shop . . .

SETH: And Si from Tower Hamlets concurs. Si’s texted in and says, ‘I’m a career criminal. What have you 3 got to offer me? I feel disenfranchised, yeah? None of you know what it’s like to be me. And let me tell you, I speak for a lot of people out there – the criminal community feels left behind by Parliament, betrayed by politicians. I mean, if there aren’t any criminals in the House of Commons, how am I ever going to feel adequately represented?’

BROWN: Si, I hear your pain . . .

SETH: But what about a policy, Mr Brown? Will you commit to something concrete tonight? What about all criminal shortlists? A rapist on the front bench? A burglar on committee?

BROWN: No, but what I will do . . .

CAMERON: See, no leadership. Weak. But me? I’m leading from the front on this. That’s why tonight I’m announcing that tomorrow morning I will visit a prison to speak to a diverse group of rapists from behind a swine flu mask.

SETH: Nick Clegg, you don’t have a criminal for a candidate, but you do have porn barren Anna Arrowsmith, aka Anna Span, aka unscrupulous, sleazy, lecherous, exploitative bastard.

CLEGG: That’s right, Anna’s standing in Gravesham. And let me just say, I’m proud to have Anna as our candidate. What the stuffy political class has got to wake up to is that there’s a lot of horrible people out there, people who feel a total disconnect from Parliament, including Si from Tower Hamlets. The only way we’re going to engage with these people is by cleaning up politics.

SETH: So, just to clarify, you’ve vowing to clean up politics by the candidacy of a pornographer?

CLEGG: What better way to embrace the silent, unsavoury majority. Look, Anna Arrowsmith’s going to make a great local representative. She’s very political . . .

SETH: Oh, I’m fully aware of that. I mean, judging by some of her recent straight-to-top-shelf-old-man-in-anorak DVDs. MP3some. Lords of Love. Moral Pump-Ass. Try This For A Stimulus Package. I’m guessing that last one isn’t an insightful economic analysis?

CLEGG: That’s a supplementary, that’s your second warning, and you’re out of here. Security!

BROWN/CAMERON/CLEGG (In faultless harmony): Security! Security! Security!

SETH (While being escorted off the set): Next week, it’s the third leader’s debate. And since I’ll be one week into my 42-day detention, you’ll have to make do with a guest host: News 25 welcomes Adrian Chiles. Just because we don’t see enough of that guy on TV.

Episode 5: The pioneering spirit of News 25

SETH (the News 25 anchor, fully botoxed for the occasion): Hello there! Tonight, News 25 rewrites politico-broadcasting history: for the first time on British television, a prime ministerial debate, involving our potential future PMs and some guy called Nick Clegg. On the magnolia sofa, we touch base with our political leaders to find out what really makes them tick. Messrs Brown, Cameron and Clegg, welcome to News 25.

BROWN/CAMERON/CLEGG (In perfect unison – almost as if it might symbolise something else): Delighted to be here, Seth! Couldn’t be happier!

CLEGG (Feeling the need to assert himself early doors): Can I just say, I’m loving the magnolia sofa . . .

CAMERON (Not to be outdone, and chasing the Loose Women demographic): And the lavender throws. The contrast with the magnolia? It just works. Would look great in my breakfast bar actually.

SETH: Well, it’s interesting that you should mention your breakfast bar, because aren’t breakfast bars the theme of a shiny new Conservative Party policy?

CAMERON: That’s right, Seth. Tonight, I’m delighted to exclusively reveal, following this morning’s leak to SKY News, a policy that’s not even in our manifesto – just because we’re constantly innovating at Conservative Party HQ, brimming with ideas, forever advancing our narrative. And that’s why I’m proud to announce tonight our first manifesto-plus pledge: if the Conservative Party is elected in May, we promise to provide free breakfast bars for underprivileged families.

SETH: But is that not just another gimmick? Like having Carol Vorderman in charge of your education policy, despite the glaring reality that a former presenter of Countdown knows nothing about education, and (judging by her recent appearance on Question Time) knows even less about politics. Indeed, we’ve just received a text from Bazza in Milton Keynes, and Bazza says, ‘Yeah, I saw Question Time that night too – Vorderman came over as a twat consonant-consonant-vowel-consonant.’ Mr Cameron, what have you got to say to the likes of Bazza?

CAMERON: Vorderman is the right choice for education, and breakfast bars are the right choice to mend broken Britain. I mean, the thing about the breakfast bar policy is . . .

SETH: ‘It’s shit’? – says Bazza again. And by the way, if anyone else would like to textually interact with tonight’s prime ministerial debate, we’d love to hear from you – simply text ‘PRIMATE’ to 25999. Mr Cameron, you were saying?

CAMERON: Yes, the thing about the breakfast bar is that it’s unique among kitchenware. By its mere presence in the family living space, it’s able to nourish an atmos in which eating breakfast is no longer socially stigmatised among our young people. I mean, just think of the possibilities: little Gaz, 8 years-old, sitting down every morning for a healthy continental, well on his way to 3 square meals and 5-a-day. And because breakfast bars would be available to all underprivileged families, children who breakfast will not have to live in fear of being subject to some sort of vile online bullying campaign of terror from their peers . . .

SETH: OK, I’m going to have to interrupt you there because the people have spoken, and in particular Cat from Coventry, who’s texted in to ask Nick Clegg, ‘Nick, what was the last book that you bought?’

CLEGG: Paul McKenna: I Can Make You Sound Interesting.

SETH: OK, back to the breakfast bars, we’re getting lots of texts about the Conservative’s manifesto-plus policy – I have to say, Mr Cameron, they’ve almost all been negative. Just to dip into the correspondence, Toby from Surrey says, ’Our economy can’t afford Ikea-style giveaways.’ He’s sort of got a point, doesn’t he?

CAMERON: Well, obviously what I’ve come out with tonight is simply a declaration of narrative intention, which will now be followed by a constructive nexus dialogue of consultation, and not until then will our official policy organically emerge at some point in the future, quite possibly immediately after the election. But let me make myself clear: this is definitely not a U-turn.

SETH: OK, Gordon Brown: what is it exactly about your incompetent, deceitful, corrupt, sleaze-ridden, post-Christian, war mongering, fear spreading, inequality entrenching, social mobility wrecking, sovereignty ceding, surveillance heightening, gold reserve flogging, forces of hell spreading, pornography devouring, personal data mislaying, artificial smiling, phantom mortgage claiming, YouTube monstrosity making, Arctic Monkeys hugging, government that people don’t like?

BROWN: Well, that’s exactly why we need to complete what we’ve started. There’s still much to be done. But I can assure the British people, we won’t be resting on our laurels.

SETH: We can all sleep easy then.

Next week, the second of the prime ministerial plus Nick Clegg debates: join the leaders for some political Come Dine With Me – basically, it’s substantive political discourse served on a bed of sun-dried tomatoes.

Episode 4: Live from the red carpet

Good evening. Welcome to a very special edition of News 25. Tonight we’re in Hollywood. I’m Stephen Sacher and this is Even Harder Talk, live from the red carpet at the 82^nd Academy Awards.

Okay, here comes Sandra Bullock . . . Sandra of course nominated for Best Actress tonight . . . Sandra! Sandra! You’re live on BBC News 25! Sandra, you look just fabulous.

Oh, thank you. I love your accent. Where you from?

England. Now, who are you wearing tonight?

I’m wearing Tom Ford Couture. It’s actually made out of debris from collapsed Haitian buildings – it kind of puts tonight in perspective.

Well, it’s interesting you should mention Haiti, because didn’t you donate half a million dollars to the post-quake relief fund?

Yeah, I don’t really like to talk about that. I don’t want to make a song and dance about my contribution, y’know? Anyway, it wasn’t half a million dollars. Nothing like it . . . It was 1 million.

1 million dollars?! What generosity! What compassion! And from another perspective, it’s probably done your chances tonight no harm, yeah? Such a high-profile donation?

What d’you mean?

Well, it’s just that nobody had to know about your million dollar donation, did they? Did they?! You could’ve just made it anonymously, couldn’t you? Couldn’t you?! There was no need to brief the Hollywood press about it, was there? Was there?! I mean, with you being up for an Oscar this year, Haiti’s happened at a good time for you professionally, hasn’t it? Hasn’t it?! It’s well known that the Academy loves philanthropy. I’d imagine that your donation’s gone down well inside the corridors of power in Tinseltown, yeah? Yeah?! Sandra Bullock, I guess what I’m saying is this: in the very year that you just happen to find yourself nominated for that hitherto elusive Academy Award, why didn’t you keep your Haiti donation to yourself? Were you exploiting catastrophic tragedy for career trajectory?

I, I, I’m not going to stand here and . . .

Oh, I’m sorry. What, was my talk just too hard for you?

No, it’s just that it’s started raining and the sandstone fragments binding my dress together are coming loose . . .

Oh, and off she goes, but does Oscar glory await Sandra? Stay with us on News 25 and you’ll find out in about 7 and-a-half nauseatingly self-indulgent hours.

Time for a break now, but when we return, more Even Harder Talk, live from the red carpet. Oh, and by the way, if you’ve just tuned in and you’re looking for some news any time soon, you can forget it. It’s the Oscars, for fuck sake! Get serious! See you in 3.

Episode 3: How to do poignancy

Good evening. Except it isn’t, is it? Because tonight I’ve got some bad news: it’s exactly 5 years ago to the day that Richard Whiteley, the former presenter of Countdown and national treasure, died of pneumonia. Here at News 25, we’d like to mark this poignant occasion with a montage and a moment’s silence . . .

We’d actually planned to end that silence with the famous Countdown jingle, and a giant graphic of the iconic clock face ticking down. Richard would’ve liked that. He was such a bubbly, whimsical, fun-loving personality before the pneumonia struck. The sprinkling of the Countdown motifs, that would’ve been a fitting tribute to the man and his work. But Channel 4 didn’t give us the rights. They said it lacked taste. However, they did recommend that we all tune in at 9 o’clock tonight for ‘The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off 2: Total Destruction’. It’s from the makers of ‘My Half-Ton Transgender Son’.

Amazing to think that it’s been 5 years since Whiteley was cruelly taken from us. So tragic. But putting a positive spin on Whiteley’s passing, pneumonia is 9 letters. For a presenter of Countdown, what a great way to go. That silent P finally comes in handy. Manna from heaven.

Okay, time for a break now, but when we return, all your news in 43 seconds. Then another break. Then we’ll bring you the very latest on the internet rumours about a gangster rapper accused of sexually fiddling a minor. Bloggers have apparently dubbed the victim ‘Baby P-Diddy’. See you in 3.

Episode 2: A vindication of the rights of women

Good evening and welcome to News 25. We’ve been off the air for 2 weeks now, but we’ve emerged from the High Court victorious, injunctionless, and more committed than ever before to spoon-feeding you the truth. We’re back. Bolder than ever. More fearless than before. And this time, we’re here to stay. Unlike your average black daddy – more on those shocking statistics later.

But first tonight, the story that everyone’s talking about: Vernon’s text message shame – or as we like to call it at News 25, lol-gate. This report comes from our Chief Text Sex Correspondent, Jonnie Gerrard.

It was just another ordinary morning. Vernon Kay woke up, wiped the sleep from his eyes and the cocaine residue from his nose. He took a slash. Put on a brew. Took another slash.

But one glance at the morning papers and this image of serene normalcy – of Kay taking a whiz – was shattered like a sheet of single-glazed glass. Crash! And so the lives of Vernon, wife Tess Daly, stunning, and their 2 beautiful children, were transformed forever.

Out went happy families; in came the choppy waters of lurid tabloid allegations. Vern sought refuge from the storm in HSMS Sleazy Bastard, accompanied by a plethora of page 3 girls and wannabe page 3 girls – ladies, all aboard! – but sadly no room for the wife and kids.

In a statement last night, Vernon said, ‘I’m an idiot’ – who knew? Meanwhile, a source close to Tess said, ‘They’re working it out. She’s forgiven him.’ Gordon Brown was asked to comment on the ever-developing situation. ‘Right now, our thoughts must be with Vernon, Tess and the kids,’ said our Prime Minister. ‘Rest assured, I’m only a phone call away.’

But all that doesn’t sound even nearly scandalous enough, so in light of the shocking revelations of lol-gate, we asked a hundred people to think of a word that accurately describes Vernon Kay? . . .

The Kay family, you’re 2 lives down. The Daly’s might get a chance to steal. I need a word that accurately describes Vernon Kay, Aunt Maureen?

Eh . . .

Aunt Maureen, I’m going to have to hurry you . . .

Eh . . . funny.

Funny? . . . If it’s up there I’ll give you the money myself . . . You said funny? . . . Our survey says? . . .

Di-di (or however you spell that sound the Family Fortunes scoreboard makes).

Oh, no! Funny isn’t there – quelle surprise. Okay, that’s your 3 lives; I’m throwing it over to the Daly family. Tess, here’s you chance for sweet revenge, and on national television in front of millions. All I need is a word that accurately describes Vernon Kay. Going down the line, Cousin Stan?

Arsehole.

Arsehole. Nice. Couz, I like your angle. Aunt Betty?

Arsehole.

Okay, there’s a theme emerging around arsehole. Sister Stella?

Arsehole.

Yep, the hat-trick. And finally, Nan?

Arsehole.

Okay, Tess, it’s unanimous. You’ve got 4 arseholes, but the call’s ultimately yours . . . I’m looking for a word that accurately describes Vernon Kay, your recently estranged spouse?

I don’t really know what to think . . . All of this, it’s all just happened so fast . . . My life’s come crashing down . . . Only yesterday morning Vern was taking a whiz . . .

Okay, I’ll take that as arsehole. If arsehole’s there, Tess, you steal. If not, Vernon heads back to Bolton with a Kay family fortune of £212 and even less dignity . . . It all comes down to this next answer . . . We asked a hundred people to think of a word that accurately describes Vernon Kay . . . You said . . . arsehole? . . . Our survey says? . . .

Ding!!!

Yes! It’s there! Tess, you’ve won! Congratulations! Top answer was actually wanker, worth 52, but who cares! Oh, Tess, how d’you feel?!

I feel great! Yeah! Just great! Honestly! I really do! I feel vindicated. I’m a stronger person now. This is closure.

Episode 1: The pilot

Good evening. Welcome to the first ever edition of News 25. Do not adjust your TV sets – my teeth really are that colour.

We begin tonight – exactly 2 weeks after Haiti’s shocking transformation from island paradise to living hell, though obviously not for the 150 000 dead – we begin tonight with an appeal.

Because if you’re in Haiti, then we want to hear from you. All you need is a camera phone and preferably also a pet – something nice and cute. If that’s you, and if you and your pet are still alive, then send us your snaps.

Ideally, what we’re after here is your pet looking just adorable, and then in the background, scenes of all the destruction and devastation: flattened buildings, dismembered limbs, body bags, grieving relatives, etc. etc. – just awful. But the contrast between the sheer misery of the quake and, well, a cute cat – that’s dramatic potential that speaks for itself. Should be powerful stuff.

And if it’s not too much to ask, if there happens to be a trampoline or a paddling pool in the vicinity, you might want to think about injecting some physical comedy into your shots. Laughter is the best medicine, after all. Except of course for those still trapped beneath the wreckage, for whom laughter would obviously provide no practical benefit whatsoever, and indeed, each inhale-exhale of merriment could conceivably cause one’s body to prod against collapsed debris, only inducing further chronic discomfort. Close to the bone. But for the viewing public? Cat, trampoline, wretched Haitian backdrop? Broadcasting gold.

Yeah, so if you’re interested – and why on earth wouldn’t you be? – text your snaps to 25 HAT. And remember, if we use your photo, we’ll pay you £250. It’s sort of news journalism meets ‘You’ve Been Framed’. But in a serious and tragic way.