Drew Colgate is The Currer Ball breaking exclusives so hot, he’s sweating like Chris Huhne at driving school (more on that story when the Secretary of State gets prosecuted)

Good evening, ladies! The name’s Colgate – Drew Colgate. Tonight, a News 25 extra-special Special! Because I’m joined live and explosive by the Shadow Secretary of State for Innovation, Business, and Skills (IBS), Student Union Labour Association wet dream, and earlier today unveiled as the next James Bond, Chuka Umunnunnunnunna.

Chuka, how do you feel about beating Will Smith to the accolade of first black Bond?

It’s an honour, Drew. But it just proves what I’ve been saying for months: with et tu Ed Miliband at the helm, impossible is nothing. Like our historic 5% approval rating.

What will your experience with Labour bring to the iconic role?

An incomprehensible narrative, weird characterisation, and dialogue that’s spoken “human”. David Lynch will be directing.

They say that politics is showbusiness for ugly people, but doesn’t your appointment as 007 disprove the adage?

Yes, that’s such an offensive stereotype. And incidentally, I’m really looking forward to having Bond girls nibble on my perpendicularly protruding ears.

To see more episodes of News 25, click here.

Drew Colgate is The Currer Ball live and fucking freezing from Edinburgh

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Tonight, I’m reporting from the Scottish Parliament, a building that cost the UK taxpayer £414 million, and one the project manager of Edinburgh’s phantom tramway calls ‘great value’.

Today at Holyrood, constitutional politics got sexy! No, I’m not talking about the fragrant Nicola Sturgeon’s trademark trouser-suits, but the popular clamour for Alex Salmond’s referendum consultation. The intricacies of the Anglo-Scottish settlement and the possible extension of the franchise are said to be of particular interest to Glaswegian football fans and single mothers, juggling 4 kids and night shifts. However, News 25 understands that said consultation curiously won’t include discussions about the First Minister’s longing to rig the referendum question(s).

Anyhow, that debate’s already obsolete because Salmond revealed earlier today that there will indeed be a second question on the ballot paper: namely, ‘Is it just me, or am I, Alex Salmond, God?’

The SNP Führer explained the rationale: ‘We spent weeks fine-tuning the wording, but the issue itself, that’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot during recent decades. Suffice to say, we’ll be campaigning for a ‘Yes’ vote, and I do believe it’s Scotland’s destiny to be manipulated into voting that way.’

Today’s development follows last night’s clash between wannabe Colgate Jeremy Paxman and the First Minister, when the Newsnight anchor likened Big ‘Eck to Robert Mugabe.

‘I was offended’, said a pensive Salmond. ‘I’m way more powerful than a lousy African dictator. I’ve got windfarms and oil and banks and shit. Plus, there’s the helpful front of an effective Parliament to hide behind. Couple that with my Bismarckian genius, and you’ll appreciate why the Scots people couldn’t be denied their right to confirm my divinity any longer.’

To see more episodes of News 25, click here.

Natalie Golding is The Currer Ball

Apparently, J. Edgar isn’t just a textbook exercise in how to appeal to awards’ bodies. Turns out, it’s also a film. Fooled me. It’s just that all the woo Oscar warning signs are there. Prestigious director? Check. Big performance by Hollywood megastar? Check. Controversial historical figure? Check. More checks than JEH’s secret plaid skirt (all will become clear).

It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: the film belongs to Leonardo DiCaprio, who turns in a performance that’s half charming, half chilling. One moment, his Hoover’s flirting with pretty young things, the next he’s manipulating the machinery of government, motivated by little more than the sort of deep rooted paranoia normally associated with tin foil hat wearing fruit loops.

Certainly, for someone like me, i.e. a non-American with only a nominal familiarity of the life and times of Hoover, J. Edgar works well as a docu-drama. The relationship with his mother (Judi Dench as the icy American matriarch, who matches Mrs Bates for bossiness), is particularly fascinating, if a little underdeveloped. And the film does a brilliant job of depicting Hoover’s immense influence on the US justice system, contrasting his quest for a more scientific, evidence-based approach with a megalomaniacal vanity that drove him to fire agents without much evidence. There’s even a surprisingly touching nod to the rumours that Hoover was a cross-dresser – hence the plaid skirt gag.

But for every stroke of finesse, there’s a flaw. Case study: the ageing of the film’s youthful cast. DiCaprio fares better, his natural boynishness fading into jowly senescence as the film flashes back and forth. Unfortunately, the no doubt first-class crew appear to be powerless in the face of Armie Hammer’s Ken doll good looks. No amount of latex or liver spots can stop him from resembling a modern-day matinee idol sporting fake wrinkles. The makeup will still probably get nominated for an Oscar tomorrow, but judging by last week’s Golden Globes, I suspect this has more to do with people in LA-La Land having no idea what old people actually look like. (I’ve a sneaking suspicion that at the first sight of a wrinkle, old folk are taken out back, stamped on ‘til compost, and recycled into wheatgrass smoothies). Even without the makeup, Hammer’s ridiculous attractiveness often distracts from what’s actually a fine performance as Hoover’s lifelong deputy Clyde Tolson, not helped by a script that doesn’t really bother to develop his character.

Like The Iron Lady, J. Edgar cracks under the weight of its ambitions, trying to cram more than 50 of the most interesting and turbulent years in American history from the perspective of one of its most controversial figures into just over 2 hours. Like the Thatcher biopic, it also glosses over key chapters in Hoover’s life story. In the film, Hoover’s single-minded pursuit of Martin Luther King is intense, but never explained – a couple of clicks on Google are all that it takes to read about Hoover’s alleged dislike of black people. By the same token, McCarthyism, Kennedy’s assassination, and other cultural touchstones barely merit a mention. It’s clear from the film’s IMDb entry, which credits a great deal more people than those who actually made the final cut, that vast swathes of the movie vanished during the editing process, leading me to wonder how much better this might’ve been spread over 2 films.

It would’ve been bad form (not to mention bad movie-making) to create a completely one-sided account of Hoover’s life. But so little is known about the protagonist that a little more speculation might’ve leavened the whole endeavour. Little wonder then that the most interesting moments are the (fictional) scenes between Hoover and Tolson, informed largely by Clint Eastwood’s imagination. Sadly, this marks the extent of the artistic licence taken – no one, apart from Hoover, has more than one dimension to them, and there’s more questions raised (about Hoover’s father, brother, and relationships with women) than are satisfactorily answered.

J. Edgar isn’t a bad movie – it’s got too much pedigree for that – but I did come away with a nagging sense that without its top drawer cast and director, it’s not much more than a very glossy, very ambitious movie-of-the-week (an assessment supplemented by the hordes of American TV actors – poached from everything from Friends to Burn Notice – that crop up in every other scene). It seems unlikely that this Oscar bait is fit to catch anything more than a few minnows.

I’m not just talking about Sir Fred Goodwin, today’s easy target of whom all the other blogs have had much to say; because let’s not forget about the genocidal dictators (Sir Robert Mugabe), the convicted perjurers (Lord Archer), the serial adulterers (David Beckham OBE), and egotistical wankers (Sir Bruce Forsyth).

So, instead of stripping Goodwin of his title, can’t we just define what our honours system really means? That letters after your name bestowed by our Government isn’t evidence of contribution or accomplishment, but dishonour and misconduct? Like I say, just like an orange jumpsuit.

Before I go, a comment on the New Year’s honours list. Case study: George Iacobescu – now Sir George. But only after he’d donated £189,000 to the Labour Party, £92,000 to the Tories, and £22,000 to the Lib Dems. His knighthood was awarded for services to effrontery.

ilabouche is The Currer Ball

Drew Colgate is The Currer Ball trending on Twitter (hashtag ‘speaksforbritain’)

Hello there! I’m Drew Colgate, exposing scoops and scandals so constantly I’ve been diagnosed with Breaking News Tourette’s – a condition that was only officially recognised by the British Medical Council 3 minutes ago by means of yet another News 25 exclusive.

Tonight, right now, this very second, more ever-breaking news: it’s party time at Labour HQ! Sounds like a blast, eh? Et tu Ed Miliband’s hotshot inner-circle of SpAds, voice coaches, and personality detectorists are currently dancing the conga along Victoria Street to celebrate the latest polls, which reveal their boss’ approval rating rocketing to 7%.

This paradigm-shifting news follows Miliband’s policy jackknife earlier this week, when the Leader of the Opposition merrily acceded to the Coalition’s economic plans.

One SpAd, 17, the mastermind behind Labour’s change of heart, said the future now looked bright: ‘Ed’s strategic realignment speaks volumes for my judgement, and augers well for both the country and my career prospects. I simply reasoned that everything Ed had been saying and doing ‘til now was utter shite, so the opposite had to be better.’

The young mastermind, who wanted to remain anonymous for modesty reasons, enthused, ‘7% today, but what tomorrow? 8%? 9%? The sky’s the limit, but we’re trying to keep our feet on the ground’, before he rejoined the London Pride-soaked conga.

Another insider spoke of the significance of the breakthrough: ‘Just think: if Ed hadn’t aped the Government’s policies, he might still be on 5%. Thank goodness we can all breathe a sigh of relief as he hurtles towards 7%.’

However, the source was unwilling to confirm the rumour the Miliband now has a 10% approval rating in his sights, adding, ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’, ‘Let’s assess the situation’, and ‘Don’t be silly, you windup merchant’.

To see other episodes of News 25, click here.

So what’s all the fuss about?

Answer: politicians north of the border are all shit-scared of Alex Salmond, SNP leader and First Minister of Scotland. And their fear isn’t baseless: compared to Salmond, they’re all small beer. To illustrate: can you name Labour’s leader in the Scottish Parliament? Ed Miliband couldn’t.

Worse than that, Salmond gets to set the all-important wording of the independence question; and even add a third ‘devolution max’ option to the ballot paper, i.e. his get-out-of-jail-free-card should when the Scots vote ‘No’ to independence.

But like I said, we shouldn’t be losing any sleep over the SNP’s pipedream. As long as we follow my masterplan…

Dear Rt Hon Douglas Alexander MP

How’s your political future looking? Here’s my guess: for this Parliament and the next, the Opposition benches, led first by et tu Ed Miliband, then by someone else similarly insufficient. Before you know it, you’re 50. By today’s ageist standards, you’re over hill; meantime, the next generation of Labour politicians rocks up, snapping at the heels of the old guard, chasing after jobs like your own.

But you’re better than that, aren’t you? So might Currer recommend another career path? Here it goes: trade in the House of Commons for Holyrood; take on Alex Salmond and the SNP; kill the cause of Scottish independence; win the next Scottish Parliament elections; enjoy the glory; bide your time; then return to Westminster, Labour’s most powerful politician since Gordon Brown, saviour of the Union, and your party’s White Knight – the only Labour politician left who knows how to win.

Sounds like a plan, eh?

But wait a minute, Currer! Aren’t you getting a bit carried away? Sounds like you’re putting a wee bit too much faith in me. I mean, it’s me we’re talking about: Douglas Alexander; Otto von Bismarck, I ain’t.

I agree: Douglas, I’m not your greatest fan; I’m no cheerleader, either for yourself or your party. I’m all too aware of your limitations: prepubescent face and whiny voice chief among them. But it doesn’t matter: because you don’t need to be Bismarck to pull my masterplan off.

In Scotland, after being handed the safest possible Labour seat at the first possible chance, you’d inevitably rise to the leadership of your party (let’s give Johann Lamont, the current incumbent – did you guess right? – 9 months. Conservative estimate), where you’d be up against Salmond.

Let’s not kid ourselves: he’s a formidable opponent; but let’s not get carried away either: he’s no Bismarck himself.

Consider who the SNP Führer’s been up against up north.

First, Jack McConnell: the archetypal mediocre politician, for whom that great euphemistic word ‘workmanlike’ was invented. But worse than the man himself, was all the crap McConnell had to put up with – most of it none of his fault. Like the backlash against the war in Iraq, which of course the SNP opposed. And the prevailing feeling that Scotland had been let down by New Labour – and that after 10 years of Tony Blair, people were ready to give the Labour Government at Westminster a kicking by voting SNP.

So, not only was his rival no great shakes, the circumstances were also ripe for Salmond to swoop into Government. And he did; but only just. In 2007, the SNP won 47 seats – one more than the hapless Scottish Labour Party.

Next up, Iain Gray. If McConnell was ‘workmanlike’, Gray was egregious. I’m told that he’s a lovely man, but he was nothing short of unelectable.

So, despite the recession exposing the SNP’s fantasy economic agenda (in 2007, just one year before the credit crunch struck, Salmond had urged Scotland to free itself from the shackles of the Union, and join the ‘arc of prosperity’: Ireland to the east, Iceland to the north, and Norway to the west. 18 months later, 2 of those 3 countries, the SNP’s economic exemplars, were bust; Salmond’s soundbite was later redubbed the ‘arc of insolvency’), and their bizarre decision to free the Lockerbie bomber, because Labour, both north and south of the border, hadn’t cleaned up its act, and with the idea of the SNP in power now demystified, Salmond moonwalked to victory.

But don’t be fooled by the scale of the SNP’s triumph last month: it’s not because Salmond’s been irresistible; he’s not an irresistible politician.

You don’t believe me? Well, think back to when Salmond was up against Donald Dewar, the one and only class politician he’s had to contend with since the Scottish Parliament was founded in 1999. And I’m not just talking about the SNP’s underwhelming display at the inaugural Holyrood elections, or Salmond’s resignation as leader the following year; I’m talking about how he faired personally against Dewar. And here’s the truth: Salmond was second best.

I hasten to add, it isn’t my intention to disparage Salmond, or to snub his undoubted qualities: he’s a first-rate communicator, a canny media operator (I saw him on Question Time a while back, and he ran the show); he relishes a political fight; and he loves the limelight.

But his affection for the sport of politics means that sometimes he just can’t help himself. Like in 2008, when Salmond, off the back of a by-election victory, predicted that the SNP would win 20 seats at the 2010 election, and ‘make Westminster dance to Scotland’s tune’.

Trouble was, that prediction was plain stupid. The SNP had 7 seats at Westminster before 6 May last year; after election night, they were left with 6. What’s more, in all their other 14 target seats, they weren’t even close to winning.

Salmond’s 20 seats rallying call was so absurd that he should’ve been ridiculed and made to pay for it – and he would’ve been if he’d been up against an opposition leader competent enough to convert this open goal.

And that’s where you come in, Douglas. Salmond isn’t quite the political force that he’s cracked up to be. Yes, he’s good, there’s no getting ‘round that, but Dewar’s expert handling of Salmond proves that he’s beatable. I honestly think that you’ve got what it takes to get the better of him.

Because the news gets even better, Douglas. You’d be coming home to a country that’s dying to vote Labour, and doesn’t want independence. Opinion polls vary drastically – but only on the degree to which Scots don’t support independence: anything between 85 and 65 per cent.

So, your job wouldn’t just be to ensure that independence stays so unpopular, but to stop Salmond wriggling out of the simple Yes/No vote that would kill his cause and party.

If you take the fight to Salmond (now in Government, so naturally on the defensive), you can end the SNP’s separatist dream now and forevermore. And still have time to return to Westminster, stinking of glory, and with a shot at the leadership of your otherwise struggling party in the Commons.

And even if that part of my masterplan doesn’t pan out, you’d always be remembered as the man who led the fight to save the Union. Think, Douglas: ‘Alexander the Great’.

Yours unionistically

Currer Ball

Drew Colgate is The Currer Ball the Jezza trinity: Paxman, Clarkson, and Kyle all rolled into one

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25 – the show that Harriet Harman wants banned because, and I quote, she’s an ‘illiberal tosser’.

Tonight, the plastic surgery scandal that shook Britain takes the most extraordinary plot twist. Last week, it was women’s breasts; this week, it’s men’s penises. Male clients of the French company PIP are being advised by the industrial manufacturer of genital grout to fess up to their penis enlargement, and get the grainy mush extracted from their dongs.

Across the country, men are looking anxious but simultaneously denying ever going under the knife for such a humiliating procedure.

Peter Keys from Kent, spoke for British manhood, in both senses of the word: ‘I feel sorry for any guy who’s insecure or insufficient enough to resort to penis enlargement. Suffice to say, I’ve never had problems with my naturally massive…’

The interview then terminated when Pistol Pete’s crotch proceeded to self-combust.

To see more episodes of News 25, click here.

Drew Colgate is The Currer Ball Paxo plus

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25 – the show that gobbles up exclusives like Alex Salmond does Scottish Labour leaders. Tonight, I interview the policeman who snapped Antony Worrall Thompson’s mug shot and told the disgraced chef to say ‘cheese’. And how Worrall Thompson’s now considering legal action.

But first, more ever-breaking news: the Government’s latest U-turn – it’s been 6 days since their last, after all. Just 48 hours after Downing Street gave high speed rail the green light, David Cameron’s cancelled the project. Instead, the PM will tomorrow announce plans for a £10 billion money burning scheme to help reduce youth unemployment.

Danny Alexander, Chief Sec to the Treasury and the Tory Party’s Human Shield, explained this head scratcher: ‘Everyone in Cabinet supports this decision after being told to support it at this morning’s emergency meeting.

‘We were all ordered to agree that £32 billion for a train that takes 15 minutes off your journey from Birmingham to London wasn’t money well spent. Instead, we’re going to employ 2 million listless, illiterate youngsters to burn £10 billion. This new plan represents great value for money: it saves the taxpayer £20 billion, creates new jobs, and shows the Coalition’s commitment to efficiency savings.’

Time for a break now, but when we return we’ll be speaking to David Cameron on why Britain’s a Christian country – and how if you anyone disagrees, they can ‘piss off’. See you in 3.

To see more episodes of News 25, click here.

Drew Colgate is The Currer Ball scrutinising the Coalition better than the House of Commons

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25 – the thinking man’s Newsnight with bigger graphics and shit.

Tonight, following last week’s announcement of David Cameron’s New Year Honours List, in which 3 convicted criminals, 2 pornographers, and a Muslim all received awards, the knives are out for the PM.

‘It totally demeans the Honours system’, said Tina Minx OBE, honoured in ’08 for services to prostitution. ‘I provide great things for the community, with 100% customer satisfaction. Last night, 10 local businessmen and I made The Big Society an intimate reality atop my marital bed. And how does Cameron repay my shining example of citizenry? By demeaning my achievement. I feel cheap. I’d been asked to consult the Government about how to spice up sex education for 6 year olds, but Cameron’s dissing of my OBE has me thinking twice.’

Meanwhile, Sir Ronny Mapes, knighted in ’09 for services to the online gambling industry and charity work, was raging: ‘I used to like that geezer Cameron, but his New Year Honours List takes the piss. I’d return my knighthood if it didn’t get me priority seats at Spearmint Rhino.’

But our besieged Prime Minister came out fighting today: ‘It’s a great thing that reformed criminals are receiving Honours: testimony to both our criminal justice system, and our Christian society’s capacity for forgiveness.’

But what about the Muslim?

‘I’ve got no explanation for that, and I take full responsibility’, said Cameron. ‘That’s why I pledge to find the scapegoat responsible and fire him immediately.’

To see other episodes of News 25, click here.

Jalal Azam is The Currer Ball

If Scotland and England do go their separate ways, karate chopping the union that’s given our 2 peoples and the world so much, don’t blame Alex Salmond for it. Don’t even blame the Tories (as many Scots are biologically programmed to). Instead, just blame Labour.

First, it was Labour that saddled us with devolution back in ‘97: a settlement that caused more problems than it solved; and far from enhancing democracy, only increases apathy and blurs accountability. It’s obvious that Tony Blair now regrets his whim to dismantle our centuries-old constitution (a habit of his). ‘I hope it was right’, Blair writes of devolution in his autobiography, sounding like he’s trying to convince himself, but really knowing better.

Worse than the anomalous settlement, was the lunatic logic underpinning it: that the creation of a Scottish Parliament would kill off the cause of Scottish nationalism. Didn’t Labour realise that when you give your enemies an inch, they’ll try to steal a mile?

But what’s allowed the SNP to do that? Answer: Labour’s neglect of the Scottish Parliament. Above all, it’s the one question I’d like to ask Labour politicians like Douglas Alexander, Jim Murphy, and Alistair Darling: if the Scottish Parliament’s such a great thing, as you told us in ’97, and have done ever since, why aren’t you standing for election to it? And why do others like Margaret Curran and Cathy Jamieson use the Scottish Parliament as a stepping stone to get to Westminster? Could it be that, despite what those politicians say, they really think the Scottish Parliament’s a second-rate institution not becoming of their talent?

Because it’s not that Scottish Labour isn’t short of good politicians – half the last Cabinet was from Scotland; rather, it’s that the cream go to Westminster because they don’t think much of the Scottish Parliament. And if that’s true, why did they foist it on Scotland, and the independence problem on Britain?

If you’re not persuaded by Labour’s neglect of Salmond, the SNP, and Holyrood, here’s a roll call of its leaders since the death of Donald Dewar (don’t underestimate the importance of Dewar’s passing to the SNP’s renaissance): Henry McLeish, Jack McConnell, Wendy Alexander, Iain Gray, and now, most hopeless of the lot, Johann Lamont. Salmond, just like he did to her inadequate predecessors, will demolish her. And just maybe, as a result, also the union. Thanks a lot, Labour.