Showbusiness for ugly people? Then how do you explain Chuka Umunna?
Drew Colgate is The Currer Ball breaking exclusives so hot, he’s sweating like Chris Huhne at driving school (more on that story when the Secretary of State gets prosecuted)
Good evening, ladies! The name’s Colgate – Drew Colgate. Tonight, a News 25 extra-special Special! Because I’m joined live and explosive by the Shadow Secretary of State for Innovation, Business, and Skills (IBS), Student Union Labour Association wet dream, and earlier today unveiled as the next James Bond, Chuka Umunnunnunnunna.
Chuka, how do you feel about beating Will Smith to the accolade of first black Bond?
It’s an honour, Drew. But it just proves what I’ve been saying for months: with et tu Ed Miliband at the helm, impossible is nothing. Like our historic 5% approval rating.
What will your experience with Labour bring to the iconic role?
An incomprehensible narrative, weird characterisation, and dialogue that’s spoken “human”. David Lynch will be directing.
They say that politics is showbusiness for ugly people, but doesn’t your appointment as 007 disprove the adage?
Yes, that’s such an offensive stereotype. And incidentally, I’m really looking forward to having Bond girls nibble on my perpendicularly protruding ears.
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