The gutter malpractices of the tabloid press, amoral revelation after amoral revelation, prompted BBC Radio 5Live to ask earlier: ‘What’s happened to Britain’s moral compass?’ Meanwhile, we’re teaching 6 year old children about sex. Does that go something like this?
TEACHER: Morning kids! What do you want to learn today?
SMART-ARSE BRAT: You’re the teacher, you tell me.
TEACHER: Teacher? I prefer ‘learning facilitator’. ‘Teacher’ – it’s too hierarchical. Education ought to be collaborative between facilitator and child, not about the totalitarian teacher, aka thought policeperson, ordering pupils how and what to learn.
SMART-ARSE BRAT: But shouldn’t you decide what you teach?
LEARNING FACILITATOR: No! That way, how do children engage? I’m all about child-centred learning: prioritising the needs of the child, not the whims of the adult. After all, children know a lot more than teachers about what interests children.
SMART-ARSE BRAT: Even though I’m just a child, and barely able to read and write?
LEARNING FACILITATOR: Yes! Because you’re just a child, and barely able to read and write. You approach the process of learning without the prejudice and baggage of grownups. Child consultation therefore enriches the educational experience. So what d’you wanna experience today, kids?
SMART-ARSE BRAT: A fairy tale!
LEARNING FACILITATOR: Great idea! See what I mean?! Please huddle ‘round, children. But not too close, for reasons of health, safety, and presumed paedophilia.
The children/education consultants huddle ‘round the learning facilitator.
LEARNING FACILITATOR: Once upon a time, there were 3 sexy little pigs. One day, mother pig, who loved her 3 sexy little pigs so, sent them all packing. [This plot point was never satisfactorily explained by Aesop]. She kissed her children farewell, advising ‘stay safe, my loved ones’, before slamming the door in their faces.
The first sexy little pig was dancing at the disco one evening, grinding against multiple strangers to beats of the House genre. The Saharan hotness of the dancefloor propelled the sexy little pig and one such stranger back to the sexy little pig’s crib. ‘Sexy little pig, let me come in’, said the strange, enigmatic male. So the sexy little pig did – both into her house of straw, and her roused hot bod. Squealing passion, featuring huffing and puffing aplenty, was so intense that it blew the aforementioned straw house down to the ground. But worse was to follow 9 months later, when the sexy little pig, homeless and partnerless, gave birth to a little piglet of her own.
The second sexy little pig resolved to learn from her single mother sister’s mistake, vowing to stay safe by always carrying a condom. One night, a strange, enigmatic male caught her eye. He didn’t disappoint. Like a true gent, he wined and dined the sexy little pig. Then he offered to walk the sexy little pig home. At the front door to the sexy little pig’s love shack of sticks, he whispered, ‘Sexy little pig, let me come in.’ The sexy little pig was powerless to the stranger’s suggestion, and her own sexual temptation. And she had a condom, anyway – so why not? Alas! Neither the sexy little pig, nor the true gent knew how to use the condom – kids, they’d come prepared, but not educated. Cue huffing and puffing-inducing sex that blew the sexy little pig’s stick house down, and impregnated her with an unwanted child, homeless, partnerless, and bad for the environment.
But the third sexy little pig, no less horny, no less worth it, no less merrily promiscuous, knew best. One night, bored and surfing the net, the sexy little pig was chatting to a strange, enigmatic male. ‘Little sexy pig, let me come in’, typed the stranger, inviting himself over to the little sexy pig’s pad of bricks. The little sexy pig, condom at the ready, surrendered to the virtuous, romantic proposition. Later that evening, she playfully wrapped a condom all over the mystery guest’s erect appendage. 9 months and lots of huffing and puffing later . . . and this sexy little pig was still enjoying completely safe, no strings sex, and therefore lived happily ever after.
HITHERTO INNOCENT CHILD: Miss, what’s the moral of the story?
LEARNING FACILITATOR: For sex without consequences that doesn’t hurt no one, always carry a condom, and know how to use it. Now, if you’ll look at this hockey stick, allow me to demonstrate.
Sex education for 6 year olds isn’t the answer to the problem of teenage pregnancy and STDs; it’s the answer to the problem of sex education. Because sex education isn’t working.
But we don’t ask why sex education isn’t working. We don’t ask why it isn’t decreasing teenage pregnancy and STDs. We don’t ask why teenage pregnancy and STDs are in fact increasing as our children receive more and more sex education. Instead, we assume that sex education’s the answer, and it’s just that we don’t teach it to children young enough. So we start teaching it to younger and younger children.
When we realise that teaching 6 year olds about sex doesn’t cut teenage pregnancy and STDs, we’ll start teaching 5 year olds. After that, 4 year olds. And all because the pro-sex education people can’t bring themselves to admit that they’re wrong.
